A Story of Abandonment: The Response

*This is the second of a two part post by SimplyRik, who has rented my blog for the weekend.*

Previously, I presented the emotional writings of a 18 year old young woman confronted with the forced re-introduction into her life after 17 years, of me, her Father.  If you haven’t read that first, I ask that you do.  If for no other reason to get you fired up about how much of a complete fucking asshole I must be.   There yet?  O.k., lets get on with it.  You must be thinking, as I was, how mature this young woman is.  How many other’s could seriously look at their missing father and the scars he left on their heart, but still find some means to keep an open mind and be willing to explore a new relationship with him?

What was I going to do after reading this paper?  There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do to undo the damage already done.  The only thing I had to do was to try to understand why I made the decisions I did in my own life that led to me hurting a child as I did.  As with my own blog titled “Surching4me” I had to go deep inside to search the mind of that 19 year old who walked away.   As with her, I was better at doing it through my writing than I was trying to verbally explain it.  At least we both had this process in common.  This was my very personal response to my long lost Daughter…

My Response

I read your paper this morning and it has been on my mind all the way to work.  In all honesty, I am not sure what I am feeling.  I suppose what I feel most is guilt for what I have done to you.  I will not try to defend my actions because in all honesty, I could not as well as the fact that they are indefensible and I have come to terms with that.

In my mind, I had not realized what I had done to you, nor what I had taken from you.  Your paper made me see that I had taken such a self-centric view of my affect on another person’s life.  In some ways, we all do that.  We assume we know what our actions mean, but in reality, we never are able to see the pain or scars our actions leave behind.  Hearing it from you in such a way allowed me to see inside and realize that this is not simply “my life”.  That is where I believe I things began 17 years ago, to go horribly wrong.

I have never been a father to you and will never be in the true sense of the word.  I forfeited that opportunity years ago.  Unlike your mother and eventually, step-father who raised you, sheltered you and had to take on a maternal position in your life, I am nowhere near a state where I can assume to know how to be paternal with you.  Having said that, I do feel a connection with you to which I cannot explain.  A connection, that dictates that I be honest to myself as well as you.  As you read this, you may realize that I have my own personal reasons for writing this but both your questions and your paper have inspired it.  I need to be completely honest and open with you if for no other reason than I have taken enough time from you over the years.  Take none of what I am about to write as a means to justify my actions.  I just want you to know me a bit better and maybe find a bit of me within yourself.  Understand that in many ways I am not “simply Rik” as I often refer to myself.

In my early years, I believed I had a normal family.  My mother, my father (Albert) and me.  I recall arguments between them and noticed that he drank quite a bit.  He was a harsh man, very disciplined in his approach to many things including his handling of me and my mistakes.  He was a physical disciplinarian and to me it was all normal.  An example of this was when I forgot to take out the garbage, the took me by the arms, dug his fingernails into my arms and lifted me to bump my head against the ceiling.  To say that he was stern was an understatement with the hand or belt.

That is, until one particular argument that was extremely heated.  The outcome of that argument led to an innocent 8 year old being told by his mother that the man known as Daddy, was not his real father.  In retrospect I can see how I was used as a pawn in the argument without a true understanding of what it would do to me inside.  A well of confusion overflowed as I struggled to make sense of my early years and what that meant in terms of where I came from, who I was and more importantly, who was my father?  My mom never spoke of him and I was not strong enough to ask her.  After all she had been through a lot and it wasn’t really my place to go there with her.

High School was really not too serious about promoting college as an option and my counsellor never really spoke to me as if it were an option for me.  In the absence guidance, my only option to escape Steubenville appeared to be the Military.  I chose the Marines.

13 weeks of hell at Parris Island, SC, I was off to Millington Naval Air Station near Memphis.  I was 18 years old and for the first time had a paycheck that was all mine.  No bills and new friends.  I had begun MY life.  This time to Camp Geiger, NC, near Camp Lejeune, in Jacksonville, NC.  To become a field wireman which meant that you are basically the guy who connects and owns all of the telephone systems for Marine Units.  School was very physically demanding.  It was a short trip from Camp Geiger to my first Unit which was in Artillery on Camp Lejeune.  This meant that when the infantry went somewhere, we went with them.  Life was spent in the field practicing or on deployment somewhere in the world.

Being in Artillery and traveling so much was fine.  The problem was when we returned.  At the end of every trip, we would make it back to Camp Lejeune, unpack and form up for one last gathering before being turned loose.  I would stand there, not really knowing what to do or where to go.  I would watch guys I worked and lived with for the past 30 days or more on deployment run to their families.  Tears, hugs and people who welcomed them back.  I did not have this.

There was a hole in me every time we returned.  I just didn’t want to be alone.  I needed someone in my life to return to.  Someone who missed me.  I can’t really explain it, but that was how I felt.  One night, a close friend and I decided to stay in Jacksonville and went to a club just north of the base.  This was where I met your Mom.  We were young and hit it off just fine.  We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet again.  After meeting your Mom, I had someone to call.  Someone to see, someone who wanted to see me.  I began to take road trips to see her.

My desire for someone in my life drove me to act faster than one should in developing a relationship.  What I remember most about that time was how your Mom made me feel wanted and “loved” and allowed me to begin to feel as if North Carolina was “home” an not just a place I returned to in expectation of the next deployment.  I saw your Mom as a smart, attractive young woman who seemed to know what she wanted out of her life.

Our relationship blossomed fast.  So much so that before either of us knew it, we had decided to get married and travelled to Ohio for a small ceremony.  It was now my time to be happy and I really wanted more than anything else a family.  We returned to NC and I had made arrangements to move her down to Jacksonville.

At 19 you never really think much about things like supporting a family or paying bills or anything responsible mature adults consider.  I won’t lie, times were tough.  Very tough financially.  We used to have arguments about money that were just rediculous.  No one was to blame, but we somehow felt the need to take it out on each other instead of bonding to work through it.

I know this was hard on your Mom, but at the time, I was stuck between my constant time away in the field and somehow trying to figure out how to make ends meet for your Mom.  It was a pressure on me I had never experienced before.

We knew the next step was to have a baby.  This was something we both wanted and agreed to do enthusiastically towards the goal of our building of a family.  I remember being so happy when we found out that we were going to have you.  I also know that it was something that was very hard on your Mom because I was gone to California during most of her pregnancy and when it was time for you to come into the world, I was sent to Wisconsin for cold weather training.  That killed me.

I wanted so much to be there for your birth.  I was not allowed to.  When I found out that you were finally born, I remember one of my Lieutenants taking me to the store to buy your Mom flowers.  It was all I could do until we returned to North Carolina. Once I got there though, I do know it took me no time at all to make it to Apex to see you for the first time.

I remember, you were in a little cardboard bassinet that was provided from one of the organizations on the Base along with a care package of items for new parents.  You were so tiny.  But I knew you were all mine.  We returned to our small apartment in Jacksonville to begin our lives as a family.

Within the daily grind of work, arguments and trying to make ends meet, there was you, the little bit of sunshine that we both had in our days to help us through.  I remember going into your small room in the middle of the night to feed you, sitting in a chair next to your crib with nothing on but a little night light while your mom slept.   These were the moments that I carry with me that make that time in my life seem much happier than I know they really where.

Your Mom and I began to drift apart emotionally.  Our common thread between us was you.  I know your Mom was missing her family and I could not live that far away from the base.  Did we love each other?  I believe we did.  In a way that we thought would grow and blossom into more.  The thing that prevented that was a combination of our age and the stresses of trying to be grown before our time.  We both were fully aware of our decisions and followed the path of wanting and building a family.  Unfortunately I don’t think ether of us were mature enough to make it through the external challenges and turned those stresses on us against each other.

At work as well, I wanted more.  On what was to become my final deployment to Wisconsin in an Artillery unit, I ended up getting myself into some serious trouble and eventually sent back to North Carolina in the middle of the deployment.  I know now that the best thing that happened to me at that point was actually being sent out of Wisconsin.

Now that my career was being sorted out, I felt that something needed to happen to bring us together again.  I received orders to leave North Carolina and was assigned overseas.  This was a 1 year “unaccompanied” tour, which meant I would have to go by myself and leave you and your mother for that period.

I was not happy about this and I really, really was going to make an effort to get us all back together again and give it a chance.  I went back and changed from a 1 year “unaccompanied” tour to a 3 year “accompanied” tour which meant that I would be able to bring you and your Mother with me.  Without thinking, and this is probably where I went wrong, I jumped at the chance and signed on without consulting your Mom.

It was really meant to be a good surprise for her.  I remember begin so excited to tell her about the news of travel and being together again.  I don’t remember much of the discussion, just her saying to me “Tell them you don’t want to go.” The sad part was, this was something you could not say to the Marines.  I signed up, I had to go.  Not for 1 year now, but 3.  I tried to get out of it, but it wasn’t happening either I went with you or without you, but I was going, you don’t say no to Uncle Sam.

I wanted to experience the world, she wasn’t as enthusiastic about it.  North Carolina was her life, it wasn’t mine.  She was born and raised there, I was a child of the world.  At that fundamental level we were two very different people with two very different needs and ultimately, what I think did us in.

What you need to know is that in no way did it have anything to do with you.  I believe to the bottom of my heart that we both did everything in our abilities at that time to try and make things work between us.  We were just two different people with two very different desires from life even though neither of us was to sure on what that might have been.  I think in some ways we were both a bit juvenile in how we handled the situation, but we did the best we could.

I had to go to Japan and she resented me for leaving.  She wanted to stay in North Carolina and I resented her for that as well.  In the end, we both continued our paths as they grew wider and wider until there was a continent and an ocean separating us all.  We left each other in a perpetual state of anger and caught in the middle of it all was you.

In the end, it became too much for either of us.  The thought of me being over there for 3 years was too much.  Your Mom filed for Divorce and I got the papers in Japan.  I could not afford the trip home to contest it or have a rational discussion with your Mother about it so the court judged in her favor.  I had visitation and had to pay child support.  My limited income for my rank at the time had just taken another hit.  One that I agreed to.

Because of the cost of a flight in and out of Japan, I stayed in country there for the next 4 years as I saw no reason to return to the U.S., I felt my life back in the U.S. ended the minute I got on the plane.  However, it is not that I did not want to be part of your life.  I did.  It is just that over time, it became more and more difficult to find ways to connect with you.  You were too young, too far away and I felt too guilty every time I called and had to speak with your Mother.  I tried to do the right thing, but over time your lives in NC drifted away from me.

That limited contact just grew greater with time.  To the point where I became completely disconnected from you and your Mother.  That is not to say that you were not always on my mind, but I somehow justified it by thinking that your Mother and hence you, had moved on with your lives without me, so I should try to move on as well.  I can not say that it was the right choice or the right thing to do.  It was just the only way I could think of at the time, on my own, 7000 miles away to deal with once again being on my own.

In 1993, I decided to end my career in the Marines.  I was offered a position to manage the base cable television station at Yokosuka Naval Base near Yokohama, Japan.  That was a huge job in the scope of being a Civilian in a Military environment.  I decided to take it because I had grown accustomed to living in Japan and it was a good Job on the base.  I applied and was accepted in the job at Yokosuka.

I left Iwakuni in 1993 and headed back to California to get out of the Marines after 4.5 years in Japan and 8 years in the Corps.  It was a sort of reverse culture shock for me to be back in the states after so long.  After a week of out processing there, I left for Ohio to spend the next 20 days or so at home before returning to Japan.  During this time, I reached out to your Mom.  We had a bitter conversation where she felt the best thing for me to do was to move to North Carolina to be near you.  I kept telling her that I couldn’t because the only Job offer I had, I had accepted and it was back in Japan.  That call did not do much to smooth the waters between us.

Should I have stayed and moved to North Carolina?  I don’t know.  Part of me says it would have been the right thing to do for everyone else, but that I would have been miserable.  We had reached the impossible impasse.  This was the final straw in the communication between your Mother and I.

I returned to Japan and other than me knowing that you went to visit my Mom & Joe in Ohio, I had little awareness of you or your life.  For the longest I resented your Mom.  I guess I wanted to be the victim in this situation.  In the end, I realize I was as much to blame as anyone.  More destructive to me, is the thought that I did to you exactly what my real father did to me.  Left.

The main reason why I reached out to you now, as I always knew I would.  Was due to my own attempt at the age of 19, your age now,  to reach out and try to find my own biological father.  All I knew from my Mom was that he was Married, and also had 2 children.  I actually was happy to find out that I was not really an only child.  The fact that I had 1/2 Brothers and Sisters out there was so exciting.  I had images of me meeting him in my Dress Blue Uniform.  Somehow him telling me how proud he was of me.  What I did find however, has become my own personal nightmare.  I was too late.

I was informed that he had died in 1983. 5 years before I tried to contact him.  I was devastated when I received this letter from the Air Force.  It was so cold, so formal so matter-of-fact.  It left very little room for sympathy.  All of my dreams of finding out more information about my father were gone in that instant.  I was left not able to fill the void that was in my being since the age of  7 or 8.

I didn’t actually put two and two together until I began to seriously think about returning to the U.S. for good this past year.  That was when I realized that I had done to you the same thing that had been done to me.  I had a father, but never knew him.  You had a father and never knew him either.  The only thing I controlled was the choice of whether to stay away or actually reach out to you.  I always thought that like myself, there would come a time that you would reach out and try to find me.  But within myself I couldn’t just sit back and wait for that to happen.

That is why I have been so cautious in my approach and communication with you.  I want the pace of our re-connect to be determined by you.  I don’t want to turn your life upside down.  I am not sure where things will go between you and I if anywhere, but I had to make myself available to you because I know I screwed up over the years, and that is something I can not go back and change.  What I can do is make myself available to you for any questions I know you have, to understand who you are as a person and why you have some of the traits you have.  These are questions that I have about myself and know will never be answered.

I can’t ask you to forgive me and furthermore, I had prepared myself for you to outright tell me to leave you alone and don’t contact you again.  I suppose that was me expecting the worse and hoping for the best.  What I can say is that I have never regretted having been a part of bringing you into this world.  As I said in my first contact with you, I am proud of the woman you have become and have no one but you and your Mother to thank for that.  She is truly a remarkable woman and despite our differences and difficulties, I do respect her for being there when I was not.

So there you have it.  None of it is an excuse for my actions, just an attempt to understand myself and what could have contributed to my seemingly random actions that damaged this young woman.  The good news is that now, after 3 years, we are in regular contact and I am part of her life once again.  We are taking things slow and one day at a time, but we communicate frequently and she knows how proud I am of her and the honor of being allowed back into her life.  You can judge me now.

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