I watch them play, oblivious to the ways in which their lives are evolving. They have conversations, and they have wonderful manners, never forgetting to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ for passing the purple gorilla. I take pride in how I taught them those things – that they are the way they are, in all of the ways they are because of me. M.E.
I refuse to give The Bella more cheesecake before bed and she cries, for the first time ever throwing herself down and whining ‘I want my daddy!’ into her hands. I say nothing, but think all kinds of things. I’m glad she can’t see me in the dark, biting my lip and fighting off tears.
I don’t hear about daddy again after that.
She draws dozens of family portraits. He’s not in any of them. I wonder why, but I don’t ask.
In bed one morning Goobie wraps her little arm around my neck and strokes my shoulder. She looks up into my face and says “Mommy?” I answer with a ‘hmm’. “I love you.” she says. It’s the first time in her 2 1/2 year existence that she’s told me without prompting. I tell her I love her too and kiss her forehead, and she tries to fit both her arms around my neck and squeezes.
They tell me Happy Mother’s Day. Because The Bella is so literal that when she heard my mother say that ‘every day is Mother’s Day’ on the actual day, she believed it, and has not forgotten to say it every day since. Goobie, in her ectypal stage, follows suit. They give me pictures and foam flowers on strings. The Bella tells me I’m the best, most beautiful mother/cooker/laundry folder/cleaner uper/hair doer/hugger/kisser/helper ever.
I know I’m projecting. I have to be. For them to both having stepped up on the love, the affection, the sweet words – they must realize something is wrong, whether or not they realize how much if affects them.
Positivity is not something I’ve ever been good at. I find it hard to abandon cynicism and expect anything more than the bare minimum from people. That glass *is* 1/2 empty, thank you very much. Yet, they are my positivity, personified and duplicated.
It’s impossible to wallow. It’s impossible to let the situation consume me. Not after looking into those sparkling black brown eyes that are just like mine and seeing the hope and love and joy brimming. No matter what happens, they will keep me happy. You try seeing those faces and staying funereal.
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So sorry, dude. That’s got to be hard for all of you. Email if you need to talk. And your kids? Fucking adorable.
The latest from Captain Steve…Doctor-Patient Privilege
Oh Maria.
The picture is just too adorable and the words… beautiful. Heartbreaking, strong, powerful, hopeful….
My heart goes out to y’all, but your strength radiates from your words.
The latest from rachel…More Than, Less Than… Wednesday
Honestly I have no words. This was lovely, Maria. I know this is a hard time, but I could see your hope in those two precious faces. Mwah!
June 12, 2008 at 12:55 am
it’s amazing what they do pick up on and even at four, the bella knows that you’re in need of extra loves. the unintentional tact astounds me, too, with Isobel not asking or talking about her daddy.
i thought that was something i was doing, some wrong i might be commiting against her. but i think it’s obvious what it is, our girls are gorgeous geniuses.
hugs or the equivalent. (in case you’re not naturally a hugger, like me)
The latest from Zoeyjane…Going Green (with Envy)
On you possibly ‘projecting’; it would be odd if you weren’t. Those girls are the most divine bit of motivation if I ever I saw. They are perfection.
The latest from TRACI…The End of an Era
That was quite wonderfully written.
The latest from Xbox4NappyRash…It’s definitely number four officer
Very beautiful girls you have there.
I’m feeling a bit confused by this post. Being a fairly new reader, I feel like I’ve missed something, or is it that you are telling us something, without coming out and saying it. I feel I’m having a moment of denseness. :?
The latest from Peter Parkour…Crazy Pix: 06/12/08
Back from Prologue, never mind. :(
The latest from Peter Parkour…Crazy Pix: 06/12/08
You amaze me Maria, you are so wise and have such a talent for expressing what you feel. Our kids are always the best reason to keep trying aren’t they? Sounds like Bella and Goobie are going to be as clever and as perceptive as their mummy. Hugs.
The latest from Jo Beaufoix…Why Miss M should never cook part 3
June 12, 2008 at 6:44 am
Beautiful words. Beautiful girls. Beautiful Momma.
I know this is a rough time for you. But. I am So proud of you.
The latest from ohmommy…My son. He broke a commandment.
Ok, your girls have brought tears to my eyes. You have done such an amazing job with them. They arer so loving and thoughtful and, most importantly, supportive of you and each other.
I understand what you mean about a lack of positivity in yourself. I have some horrible issues with that too. But, as you said, your girls are your positivity. The best thing to learn from all of this is that they have not been negatively affected by the negative atmosphere that has surrounded you and J for the last while.
That they care about you and love you so much is perhaps the best present you could ever get.
That was very well written, beautifully written I should say. I am so sorry for all the troubles you are going through right now, but you can only hope it gets better. Your girls are beautiful, and you can be nothing but proud that you are teaching them to be strong women, mothers and individuals. You deserve to be happy, and I know the three of you will have all you deserve :)
Whew, there is TOO much to say, and I know that too many people are telling you too much, so I won’t be one of them. But I will tell you that yes, they will be what keeps you going, and at the same time they will be what drags you back down into the depths-and for the same reasons. However, day by day, it will fall into place and you will look back and say “okay, I am all right.”
The latest from Kori…Windy Wednesday-or "I can’t think of a title"
kids understand so much more than we give them credit for …
and if you weren’t projecting? there’d be something wrong with you. been here, done this… hugs
The latest from the planet of janet…The only thing you can do is just the best you know how …
I agree… kids sense things even when you try to hide things from them. For some reason I can’t see the picture, but I’ll try it from another connection later.
Keep your head up. You have two little girls who think the world revolves around you! :)
The latest from Jen @ The Cubicle’s Backporch…My thoughts on Polygamy
Gorgeous picture!
Be strong, for them and for yourself.
And, be easy on yourself. Easy on the guilt.
The latest from Mama Zen…Nature’s Rohrschach
I was only a couple of years older than Bella when my parents split (the first time). Kids do pick up on unspoken signals. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Your daughters are gorgeous and they obviously love you very much.
The latest from Tara R….Random Wednesday – judgement day
Let them hold you up when you are down. Sometimes they will be your only motivation.
But when you are down to your last source of motivation and you realize it’s the best source then maybe, just maybe it might not seem so bad.
The latest from Betsey…What Happens In The Night
Gorgeous, babe. All of it.
The latest from maggie, dammit…storms and sunsets
Wow. You’ve raised them pretty damn well for them to be so perceptive and compassionate. Not that you need to be told this, but you’re so much stronger than you can imagine. You’ll pull through this and be so much better for it.
Its amazing how perceptive children are. They are just soaking up everything around them, even the stuff your trying to protect them from. And yet they show you love, and you support. They are amazing. Yours are so adorable. It’s mother’s day everyday…. awh. Breathtaking…..
The latest from Mrs. Kitty…Invisible in my own home
u the parent so let her cry
The latest from rawdawgbuffalo…Raised or spoiled
I promise you, on a rather large stack of bibles, that this gets easier. I am proud of you. ((hugs))
The latest from Mr Lady…I Sure Hope I Put That Netflix Movie in the Mail
That was absolutely beautiful. Truly a reason to keep keeping on. Hang in there, woman! You are loved!
On a side note, do you know how many words I had to look up from this post? Sheesh! ;)
The latest from Kathryn…One More
I love that pic of Bella and Ari! Love it!
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