BeJewell: I Am Smoke and Mirrors

The first post I ever read from Bejewell was this one. It, like her, can be summed up in two simple words: fucking awesome.

Okay, so here I am, in the evil den of the Immoral Matriarch.  And as usual, I really have no idea what to say.  I just read Avitable’s guest post and it’s obvious that whatever I say is gonna suck by comparison.

So instead of trying to compete, I think I’ll take this opportunity to go totally off the reservation and make a bunch of disturbing confessions that I would NEVER make on my own blog – or in real life to anyone I know.  EVER.

Because if you read a blog called “Immoral Matriarch” on a regular basis you’re probably just as fucked up as I am, only in different fucked up ways, and I’m assuming you can handle whatever sick shit I throw your way.

Besides, none of you know me anyway, so it’s not like I’ll be alienating any of the two people who read my blog on a regular basis.  I’m pretty sure my mom and dad have no idea who the Immoral Matriarch is.

So here it goes.  Just between you and me.  Ten horrible, embarrassing confessions that I would NEVER reveal to ANYONE — except the entire Internet on someone else’s extremely popular blog.

1.  Let’s start with the serious shit. I’m an atheist. A godless heathen.

I understand that many people in this world have strong faith in their chosen religions and I totally respect their right to do so.  But nothing pisses me off more than those same people telling me I have to live by their rules.

To me, organized religion is just other people telling me what to do.  And I really fucking hate other people telling me what to do.

2.  I peed in the shower once. I just couldn’t hold it.

Afterwards I was so grossed out that I scrubbed it seven times with bleach.  I counted.

3.  I HATE Josh Groban. Every time he comes on TV I want to grab a large handful of his obnoxiously curly hair and yank it out of his head because I’m pretty sure the screams of pain would be preferable to his pretentious singing voice.

Other people I despise and want to stab in the eyes include:  Dr. Phil, Matthew McConaughey, Russell Crowe, anyone on Fox News, Dina Lohan, Karl Rove, all current hostesses of The View (with the possible exception of Whoopi Goldberg), Rachael Ray, Terrell Owens, Britney Spears, Dick Cheney, Stephen Baldwin, Whitney Houston, that really entitled billionaire’s kid who called Lindsey Lohan a “fire crotch,” anyone who says “nukular” instead of “nuclear,” all members of Nickelback and the host of every reality TV show ever made.

Except MAYBE Heidi Klum.  The jury’s still out on her.  But only because I dig Project Runway.

4. I smoked marijuana on a daily basis for about ten years. No one I knew, other than my husband and very close friends, had any idea.  I do NOT look or act anything at all like what one would consider the stereotypical “stoner.”

One day I just decided I was done with it and quit, cold turkey.  I’ve never touched it since and haven’t missed it at all.

Weird, right?

5. I am a closet lover of smooth jazz. I really don’t know why.

6.  I have never mowed a lawn. Never.  Not once in my entire life. I have no idea how a lawn mower even works.  I’ve always lived with other people who were responsible for that happy chore.

On a related note:  I can be very manipulative when I have to be.

7.  Sometimes I still suck my thumb. Every now and then I’ll wake up in the middle of the night with my thumb in my mouth.  I figure this means one of two things: (1) I have deeply entrenched insecurities left over from childhood that only a childhood habit can resolve, or (b) I have some kind of weird, perverted oral fixation.

One of those options is much more likely than the other, and I’m not telling which one.

8.  One time I farted at work and a co-worker passed by my office, smelled it, stopped, came back and asked me if I was eating egg salad for lunch. I denied everything while she continued to sniff deeply, wondering WHERE that egg salad smell was coming from.

I found this absolutely hilarious.  My husband and I still call farting “making egg salad.”

9. I’m a Republican. If I could vote for McCain/Palin more than once, I totally would.

Gotcha!! Ha ha!  Just kidding!  What’s up with those dicks, anyway?

10. I obsess about my blog stats WAY too much, and have recently considered quitting the blogging business altogether because I get so freaked out about my traffic that it’s not healthy.  The only reason I’m writing this guest post is because the Divine Ms. IM is trying to convince me to stick with it.  I think SHE thinks that I’ll get all motivated if I just keep writing.  Maybe she’s right.  I dunno.  We’ll see.

So there it is.  You now know more about me than you ever wanted to know – which I’m absolutely sure of because (a) probably 100% of you have no idea who I am and (b) if by some chance there is one of you out there who DID know who I was, I’m quite sure you could have cared less to know any more about me than the ridiculous amount of inane, trivial bullshit I post on my blog.

But you know what?  If I’m gonna go out, I’m going out with a bang.  And I consider revealing a bunch of embarrassing/disgusting/trivial facts about myself a HUGE bang.

So there.

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Tagged as: bejewell, facts, farts, funny, guest, list, politics, smoke and mirrors, weed, weird