I smile, and so do those around me. Genuine smiles are contagious, apparently. I wouldn’t know this about my public, being as my smile has been masking pain for the better part of the past decade. Sure, it’s been real sometimes, but it’s been fake far more often. I adapted to my naturally sullen face at a young age and learned that the only way to quell the incessant ‘what’s wrong?’s was to smile. Sometimes, they smiled back. Today I smile, and all of the strangers return it. My daughters return it. My friends. It feels nice.
I am still happy. I am happier right now than I think I have been in a long time. Maybe ever, for this long a continuous stretch. Not being interminably disconsolate is nice, but seems to be a double edged sword. Now, when I feel the ache of sadness, I feel it so much more deeply than I used to. I am coming to the realization that (possibly) my lack of empathy towards the pain of others was a product of the constant misery swirling around in my own personal depths. It wasn’t that I was unable to feel for them; it was that it was impossible for me to differentiate between my usual feelings and those spawned by their suffering.
I am appreciative of this discovery, but I wish I could turn it off at will. Right now, although my heart may pop due to the love and joy it’s palpitating with on a daily basis, it is ripping out it’s own sutures for those it cares for. Those that are suffering, and that I can do nothing to help. Those that need me, and I cannot be there for. That I’m unwillingly unavailable to.
Kim is one of those people. Her mother was just diagnosed with Stage Four breast cancer and has been given 18 months to live. She needs the support of the entire internet. So badly. If you could be so kind, please go visit her at her blog and share some encouragement and support. She’s one of the most amazing people you could ever meet, and although I do not know her mother, I can only assume she’s amazing too.
Kimmy,
You have my email. My phone number. My physical address if you’d like a bear hug or shoulder. I hope to sit down with you and our other partner in crime this summer and bond even further. Hopefully, there will be only happy tears this time. I love you.
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