The Bella

I love you more than life itself. So much that it aches. You are my heart, you are the most beautiful, pure soul I’ve ever encountered. I am already proud of the person that you are, I can only imagine how proud of the person you will become I’ll be.

This is the end of an era now – you are truly a big girl. Although you sleep in your toddler bed right now, sprawled out in your underwear, Bolt beside you and Dora patterned all over everything around you, tomorrow you will strap up those mary janes and slip on that Ninja Turtles backpack and strut down the hallway to the first of many, many classrooms you will enter. You will start the next chapter in your life, you will begin the journey from my baby to my little girl. Kindergartner.

You will wake up extra early to the alarm tone we picked out together and your father will be here and he and I and your baby sister will all walk you to your Kindergarten class. It’s the least we can do – that as a family. You deserve to have us all there, cheering you on and encouraging you, being proud  of and happy for you. Letting you know that we love you and will miss you and no matter what we will come together to be there for you when you absolutely need us.

You’ve never really been to school before but you aren’t the slightest bit nervous. I know you’ll be the apple of your teacher’s eye – you thrive so much on praise. I have steered clear of those teachers that I had when I was in Kindergarten at your school. for good reason, cutting down the hall so that Mrs. Crutchfield wouldn’t see me holding your hand at open house was completely for your benefit. Believe me, you don’t want them to know that I’m your mother. I want you to grow and learn clear and free of the stigma that would come from being the spawn of the devil child that was me.

I know you: you are one of the most manipulative people in existence. Oh my, can you work your magic to get what you want on almost anyone. I unknowingly taught you quite well in that regard. I wonder how much you’ll get away with, or how much trouble you’ll get in for it. I worry about you, whether you’ll remain the polite child that I’ve assisted you in becoming, or whether the other little devils in your class will influence you more than I do.

I wonder about what words and habits you’ll bring home and I’ll have to ‘uh-uh’ out of you.  I wonder whether you’ll come home with ‘needs improvement’ on your report cards or ‘outstandings’. I’m sure your grades will be fine but you may surprise me with your behavior since you have more mood swings that me PMSing. I worry about how angry you get when you fail or have to try harder than you feel you should and how you’ll learn to overcome that. You’ll have to – reading and all that jazz isn’t just going to come to you, you’re going to have to work at it.

Your sister will miss you so. I’ve listened to you two talk, to you assure her that no matter how many friends you make at school that no one can ever take her place and you will always need her like she needs you. I’ve seen you put your arm around her shoulders and kiss her head, telling her that you’ll always come home to her.

You’re such a great big sister. I can see why she will miss you. I completely and totally credit you for how well you two have always gotten along, for the fact that I have no sibling rivalry or competition or fight horror stories. She is a terror, I know. Your infinite patience and maturity is what’s kept your sisterly bond so strong, I’m aware. You are the reason that while you two have your spats and sometimes you both want to be left alone by the other – you are perfect for one another. I believe that you are soul mates, that as long as you have each other you really will never need another person in the world to make you feel complete.

The only thing that I want from you is this: maintain yourself. Be yourself. Yes, it’s alright to be influenced by others. People change people, human interaction is how we grow and develop and discover our strengths and weaknesses. But the person you are – the girl that I see, that innate personality that you came into this world with: don’t lose that. Continue to impress people with your solidarity, with your enthusiasm, with your intelligence, with your uniquely beautiful self. Don’t lose that eclectic sense of style, your passion for The Beatles and good food and nail polish, your beautifully graceful interpretative style of dancing, your drive to be the best and first, your tendency to laugh loud and deep when something tickles you, your voracious appetite for love and soul and experience. Actually, I don’t want that from you. I want that for you.

Don’t be a crybaby, but cry when you need to. Don’t pout and whine, it’s not just me that hates that. If you need to go to the bathroom tell your teacher immediately and if she doesn’t move fast enough tell her again. Tell her quite plainly that you will piss your pants if she doesn’t take you right then. But don’t say piss. Speak your mind but watch your attitude: I know I am your greatest influence but you can’t talk to people the way that mommy would talk to them – that isn’t very nice for anyone to do, let alone a little girl. Don’t be a bully and ease up on the bossiness: the children you’re dealing with now are your age, not Goobie’s – they aren’t going to like you telling them what to do all the time. If you have an issue with another child, tell your teacher. If you have an issue with an adult, tell me.

Tell me everything. Never stop. Don’t lie to me, don’t hide things from me. Every single day I want you to fill up my ears with your exploits and feelings and wishes and wants and even if I tell you hush or if I have a headache or if I’m busy you make sure you tell me everything that happened during your day at school that you want to because no matter what I say, I want to hear it. I want to always be your rock, your confidant, the person that you know will be there to catch you when you’ve been thrown into the air, over and over.

You give me bragging rights. You are so close to the perfect child that it feels unreal. I have done well, but I know that it’s not really me – it’s just you. I hope that you remain this way but if you don’t, at least retaining some small semblance of it will be enough for me. You are infinite.

Have a wonderful first day at school love, and I will be standing right there waiting for you as soon as that bell rings, holding your sister’s hand and smiling wide and bright.

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Listening to: The Beatles – Come Together

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