I don’t get to take my daughters Trick or Treating this year.
That may sound trite to you, but it’s not to me. It’s something I’ve done with them every year, usually just me and them. This year, their father’s one weekend a month includes Halloween. I’m not happy about it. But it is what it is.
Instead of looking at it like “it’s not fair, he’s pretty much completely disinterested in their lives but gets to have the fun days? That’s bullshit!“, I’m trying to see it as “well, he only gets them one weekend per month and they love it so whatever, it’s a good thing”.
Giving up my marriage was really difficult. I’m still working on doing it completely. Giving up my daughters, even temporarily, sporadically, is much more so.
I’m not really going to go into how I feel about how little their father is involved in their lives. How I have to instigate most conversations and interactions, how I have to make the phone calls and text messages or they don’t get made. How he basically comes across as an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ type of father except for paying his support twice a month. Bah. I could write a book on those things, but I won’t.
When Joey and Jason met the first time, Joey told Jason that he wanted to assure him that he didn’t want to overstep his boundaries or try to take Jason’s place in their life. Jason told him, pretty smugly, that he knew that Joey never could: that his daughters loved him and knew who their father was. It’s true, yes, but I wonder if he has any idea how that line between himself and Joey is being blurred in the girls eyes, by his own inaction.
Over the past few months, his role has been taken on by Joey. Joey plays with them in the yard, he sits and colors and draws with him. He gives them piggy back rides, he takes them to the movies. He buys them toys and plays their games. He comes with me to pick Isabella up from school. He knows more about their current personalities than their dad does. They talk to him, they see him more than their father.
It’s been hard: Joey’s not their dad and I wish it was their dad doing all of these things with them, but it’s not and it is what it is. I am glad that someone wants to be there for them, in all the ways their father should be – that their father should want to be. Maybe he does want to be; maybe he’s got his reasons and justifications for the way things are.
Growing up without my father wasn’t a big deal for me because I had my grandfather to fill that role, and I’m glad that my daughters have Joey. As they get older and realize how little they see their father and why, I hope having Joey in their lives eases whatever pain those realizations might cause a bit, like having my grandfather did for me.
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October 16, 2009 at 1:43 pm
*I didn’t proofread, I kinda just purged.
new reader. great post. love that last pic!
I’m glad Joey is willing to step in that way. I know I was so lucky to have my step-dad in my life, and while I hope the kid’s dad doesn’t shirk his responsibility, I do hope that whoever I end up w/ can step up in the way Joey has.
I’m happy for you in that regard (not in the ex isn’t being a good dad way)!
I wont go into how I feel about your ex. Just not gonna do it here.
I think you and the girls are very lucky to have each other and, as a bonus gift, you guys have Joey too. He seems to have a natural way with them and I think that is the most special thing of all.
Oh girl, I am totally the same place you are (with the exception of giving up my marriage). My daughter spends every Wednesday night and almost every other weekend with her dad. She talks to him twice a day. He is “present”. Their quality time has improved in a way. Yet @UKCharlie still knows my daughter BETTER than her own father does. It is so incredibly hard to deal with. My heart breaks knowing the hurdles I have in front of me to give her what she deserves in life because her father wants to be selfish and stubborn. My daughter is incredibly lucky to have my dad and @UKCharlie as solid father-like role models in her life. It is what it is. And it sucks.
My life has really changed over the past year. I’ve never wanted kids of my own. But meeting the girls, getting to know them, has really impacted me, in a wonderful way.
In the beginning, I didn’t know how things would be between them and myself, but as we’ve gotten to know each other, I’ve really grown attached to them. They make me laugh, when they smile at me, or say something nice to me, it makes me beam with pride. I miss them when I don’t get to see them. I recall things they did or said, and it brightens my day. They give me hope that the future is going to turn out ok. They inspire me and make me want to be a more positive person. I love them, they are great kids.
These are all things I never expected to ever think or feel. I’d assumed that we’d meet each other, hopefully get along, and be as friendly as we could. I’m really glad things have turned out to be more than that.
I enjoy the times they want me to “teach them how to drive”, color and draw with them, hunt monsters, give them piggy back rides, heck, even though I occasionally “complain” about it, I even like pushing them around in the dreaded little purple car.
Hearing them laugh…not just giggle, but lose-control-I-can’t-help-myself-or-I’m-going-to-explode-LAUGH is one of the greatest things I’ve experience in my life (and I’m not exaggerating). I still can’t know what it really feels like to be a parent, but hearing that laughter…that sort of makes me feel like I know just a little bit of what it must be like.
As I’ve said before, I’m not trying to replace their father, it isn’t my place to do so. But I want to be what they want me (and/or need me) to be for them. I want to be supportive, be someone they can trust, someone who’ll spend time with and listen to them, and look out for them. I’ll be honored if I can be that for them. They make me not scared to be a dad, indeed I look forward to it, and that is quite the change for me.
I feel my life is better for having them in it. I adore them, I adore their mom, and I look forward to every second I get to spend with them, how could I not? I hope that they might feel at least a little bit the same way about me. :)
And I’m really sad that I won’t get to trick or treat with them either!
October 16, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I love you, completely.
Beautiful. This made me cry….in a good way.
That’s beautiful. I mean, Joey stepping in and there being a more rounded family environment. It’s always good when there are men that realize that children never ask to be left by a parent and stepping up and being a positive part of their lives. I’m not an emotional brother, but brings tears of joy to see that much more beauty in the world.
Maria I’m sorry you won’t be trick or treating with the girls. I feel a little gut-punched on your behalf. And you’re being incredibly gracious about it.
Also? Joey gives me hope.
ok, but joeys comment made me cry.
oh maria, you and you’re girls are so lucky!!
my daughter was a little over one when we left her father. she was 3 when we met my husband. she calls my husband daddy.
I’m grateful that the girls DO have him. It’s important to have as many people that love us as possible, especially when we’re so young.
I’m sorry you’re missing Halloween. Is there a Halloween party you can take them to on a different day?
God, but he is a doll. and really? the trick or treating thing would break my heart
I’m sorry you and the girls won’t be able to go trick-or-treating together this year, and no it’s not trite. Every family has its traditions and it’s lovely to do things with your kids on a regular basis, things they’ll remember when they are older and might continue with their own kids.
Joey sounds wonderful, and he clearly loves you and the girls dearly. I’m a firm believer in the fact that family isn’t about blood relations, and Joey is clearly being a wonderful father to the girls, which is awesome and speaks volumes about him! You guys are wonderful parents and the girls will grow up being very much loved, which is what counts most.
This is a nice post Maria, I know how you feel. In some ways I am lucky because my ex is completely uninvolved. He doesn’t take away my Trick or Treating because he doesn’t ever visit his daughter. Ever. (He doesn’t even pay his child support and hasn’t for years.)
In other ways I am not. I have had to tell my daughter that her biological father is simply bad at being a dad and that though he does love her, he really is only capable of thinking about it when she is around. (Her grandparents house him so he does see her, just not of his own volition.)
On the other hand, my husband has been her father since she was a year and a half. He is the man who taught her to tie her shoes. He tucks her in at night and helps her understand math and makes ice cream sundaes for her when she is being teased at school. She has a father, a really, really good father.
It just so happens he doesn’t share her biology.
I am glad you and your kids have Joey. From what you have shown us your girls have an active and involved father, regardless of Jason’s behavior.
I’m right there with ya, in so many ways.
The first couple of years the ex didn’t worry about Halloween. Then once the divorce was final, he was actually awarded every other Halloween, which I hated. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I’d almost rather give up Christmas. It’s just not Halloween without the kids.
My husband is also so close to my kids, and my ex gets my kids e/o weekend & holiday. But John is there for the day to day things. And that makes a big difference. Especially for my youngest, who doesn’t remember her dad ever being a day-to-day dad, she was 2 when we split. John will always hold that real, day-to-day Dad place, for her.
I’d love to rant for you about your ex, but since this is overall a positive post, I won’t. :)
Regardless, I am super glad they have Joey, too. He might not ever take their dad’s place, but they will know who took more of a real interest in them and their lives, and that’s going to matter a heck of a lot more than blood lines some day.
Either way, they have a fantastic mom, and that’s what matters most.
I’m glad you and your kids have someone like Joey. My sister and nieces have a husband and substitute daddy and his name is John. It has made the dealings with the girls’ bio dad so much easier to accept.
Word.
You know I know.
My brothers step up to the plate a lot, and for that I’m grateful.
thank you for posting this, maria.
Your Joey is kind of amazing isn’t he?
Wow. Joey is The Daver and I understand this post SO WELL. It’s hard. REALLY hard.
That was just so lovely a read and then I scroll down and Joey can write, too! My God, he’s damn near perfect and I’ve never even met you guys!
First time reader. Few things before commenting on post – you’re girls are beautiful, you are gorgeous, I think you’re hair looks better curly then it does straight. Just my opinion. Oh and I can’t help but chuckle at the thought of those two as teenagers…have fun with that!!!
I left my husband when my kids were 8, 6 and 2. It’s hell sometimes at first but after almost 10 years we have figured it out. I never had to badger him to see the kids. It’s awful that you have to. But it appears they have some great people in their lives. That’s important. Kids are amazing little creatures, as long as they’re getting the love and support they need to grow. Who or where that comes from becomes secondary. I am in no way trying to diminish the important role of dad here, but rather pointing out the ALL important role of love.
Wish you luck and love.
DM
I love you completely too Joey! Thank you for giving my bf and my godbabies so much love! I’m sorry about Halloween Maria but we get their birthdays. God I am sick of him!
Jason may be their father, but Joey is acting like the Daddy every little girl needs. They’ll know, understand and appreciate it. They will.
I’m so sorry, hon. I can’t even imagine.
But, that Joey? He’s a keeper, girl.
xo
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