Although I have not and will never do the same, I don’t have a problem with people who have accepted their larger shapes and have decided not to beat themselves up over it. More power to you, but I don’t believe in the Fat Acceptance movement. I don’t believe that we should let our children believe that it’s fine to be overweight or obese. The obesity rate in children here in the states is ridiculously high. They learn that at home. It’s not okay – we are jeopardizing the lives of those we swear to love the most with the examples we set and the standards we’re attempting to lower.
Is it alright to teach a young girl that it’s okay to be comfortable in her own skin, no matter her shape or size? Of course, definitely so. It is not alright to teach a young girl that it’s okay to be comfortable being overweight or obese, be out of shape, eat nothing but McDonald’s, to put her health at risk for sake of being alright with who she is. There’s a fine line there, but I’d rather cross it than not approach it.
We teach them to strive to be the very best that they can with everything they do, right? School, social relationships, extra-curricular activities. That should also extend their outward appearance. Not solely for the sake of vanity, but for their quality of life as a whole. We should tell them to strive to be healthy, not thin or skinny, but to be healthy. It they are healthy at an above average weight, fine. If they are not, we should not coddle them. It does them no good, and much harm.
My younger sister is fat. She’s 13 years old and weighs a significant amount. She’s at high risk for diabetes, and her pediatrician has suggested to her and my mom that she lose weight. Neither of them take heed. She eats nothing that doesn’t come from a microwave or a paper bag. The most walking she does is getting from class to class in school. She is growing, every day, width wise more so than in height, and my mother is so concerned with not making her feel self concious about it that she won’t address it.
That’s not what my sister needs – people tiptoeing around the topic of her weight. She shouldn’t like herself the way she is. She is unhealthy. She should be aware, if some rude child at school hasn’t already taken care of that for her, that she’s too big. How is she being taught to love herself if she’s not being taught to take care of herself? Those two things seem to go hand in hand, if we’re talking about teaching them to a child. I don’t want her to be huge and happy. She should be average, normal, healthy and happy. If that means that she can’t have anymore Hot Pockets and Toaster Strudels, and that she’s miserably riding her bike around the neighborhood, so be it.
She’s about to enter high school. High school is hard enough without being the fat girl. Soon, there will be boys. I’d hate to see her crushes crush her because of her size. Yeah, sure, that makes the boys assholes and shallow and all of that, but they’re teenage boys. That’s what they are. She’s going to be in the thick of it, and I don’t understand why my mom is willing to send her into that den of hyenas with a bullseye on her front. People don’t want to accept or acknowledge it, but the truth is that looks matter. They shouldn’t – sure – but they do.
Now, it’s time for me to practice what I preach. I’m not going on any weight loss journey, but I’ve got set a better examples for my girls. I know that I’m not going to sit idly by while they get fat. It’s never going to happen. We have some serious genes in this family to combat, and when they’re old enough to know/do better, I’m going to encourage them to be their best, both inside and out. People may think that’s a bad thing, but I think it’s a wonderful thing. I think it’s bad to do the opposite, and I realize that if I’m pushing them to join the volleyball team or not eat a triple whopper with cheese while sitting here 80 pounds overweight, unable to resist that last donut, that they’re not going to take me seriously and they probably shouldn’t. How am I supposed to tell them to take care of themselves mind, body and soul if I don’t do the same? ‘Do as I say, not as I do‘? Yeah, no. I know my daughters, and that is not going to fly.
—————-
Listening to: John Mayer – In Repair
{ 1 trackback }
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
There’s an important distinction in this whole equation to keep in mind. Not letting yourself or your loved ones become obese is not indicative of one’s attitude towards someone who is. I would never let my son become fat. Because it usually is a result of poor eating and fitness choices – fat or not, I don’t want him jeopardizing his health. Period. At the same time, I would never tolerate him looking down upon someone who is fat. It was their choice to do the things that led to it, and those choices have no bearing on my son’s everyday life. Live and let live, mind your own business, etc. It’s that simple. For obesity, sexual preferences, body modification, etc etc. I wish more people would understand that. Living in harmony is not rocket science.
January 7, 2010 at 9:27 pm
I want to take your comment, strip it of all hints that it was written by you and not me, and put it in my post! Haha. I didn’t touch on that, out of mere forgetfulness, but you’re exactly right.
I wouldn’t sit there and let my kid start chain smoking cigarettes, so why would I let them shovel down food and be lazy (like me currently)? I want to protect them in all ways. Yet, I will never tolerate name calling or teasing or outwardly judging others for any reason, including weight. I totally agree with you there.
You have carte blanche to steal anything from me, ever. :)
January 7, 2010 at 9:57 pm
I remember my dad telling me, growing up, that he quit smoking because he couldn’t sit there, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and tell me not to smoke. He knew smoking was unhealthy, he wanted me to be healthy. So he quit, rather than be a hypocrite. It was that that in large part inspired my 140 pound weight loss. Could I stress to Rhi that her life would be better at a reasonable weight, both socially and health-wise, if I was still obese? Well, yeah, but not with as much conviction. So I did. I feel better, I look better, my health is improved, and, most importantly, I’m a better role model to my girls.
I lost 109 pounds last year. My daughters were my biggest inspiration. I want them to be healthy and right now they pay more attention to what I do than what I say, so I had to make a change. But, the hardest part really wasn’t physical. It was changing my perception of myself and what I was worth that been the biggest challenge.
Agreed. Completely.
January 7, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Coming from the opposite direction, Zoë suddenly developing picky eating habits and being “not hungry” was ultimately what started the end of the eating disorder for me. Quitting smoking’ll be something similar, in hind-sight, even though it hasn’t started because of that. Not being reliant on caffeine, alcohol, street drugs and accepting that maybe I do need pharmaceuticals… all of it is because I want her to know that you can’t be comfortable with yourself – or anyone else, for that matter – if you’re not caring for yourself.
Whatever you do, whatever you weigh, I just want you, happy.
I just read your new blog posting about Fat Acceptance and just wanted to say that I love you just a little bit more! I could not agree with you more on this subject. Yes, I have a “plus size” fashion based blog, but that does not stop me from wanting/needing to lose weight and it shouldn’t for anyone else either. It i…s great to love your own skin and love who you are, but unfortunately with this “movement” it leads to/and could even inspire people to become overweight. That is just ridiculous. If someone were promoting a movement for tanning salons, people would jump down their throats because of the cancer risks, but with weight people are so afraid to touch on the subject, so afraid of offending people. Talk about a double standard.
I really like that you say you are going to set a better example for your girls. I’m so tired of hearing parents say that parenting is full of double standards. It’s not. The world is simply full of hypocritical parents who lie, cheat, over-indulge, do drugs, etc. We all know those things are wrong.
Your girls are lucky. I’ve always gotten the impression that you are fairly comfortable in your skin, but I also know you’re a realist. I think that’s the line you’re really talking about. It’s about understanding that who you are isn’t about how you look, but how you think and behave, but that’s no excuse for ignoring your health.
Oh Maria, I just love you for writing this! As most people who read my blog know, I gained quite a bit of weight over the last two years of my marriage when I was basically alone and unhappy. While I have learned to love myself for all that I am (size wise and other things), I still feel that the ultimate love I can give myself is to become healthy.
I started a journey last year and continue to build upon it every day of my life. I eat healthy and workout because that is what is GOOD FOR MY BODY. I’ve managed to drop 40 pounds since starting this journey and with each pound that is gone, not only do I feel healthier but also, I love myself even more.
There is nothing wrong with accepting yourself “as is” but it’s an even braver thing to try to change that for the better. I believe that we should teach our children to be brave and to be better *while* loving themselves.
So no, I am not 100% behind the Fat Acceptance movement either…and I’m not the skinniest pencil in the box!
I’m at the point where I’m healthy, but could be healthier. I’m happy with my body, but I could be happier. For me, it isn’t a health issue but if I didn’t strive to do better every day, it certainly could become one.
This is such a good post Maria. Brilliant. xoxo
This whole thing hurt my heart and touched it to the core
I love this post. Thanks to Hilly for sharing it on FB or I never would have seen it. I feel bad for your sister because I know what it’s like to be that fat teenager. It’s hard to deal with them because it’s so easy to make them feel bad about themselves, even when you mean well. There’s a fine line you have to walk in order to motivate them without insulting and angering them, which just makes it worse.
I am considered obese and while I try to be happy with the way I am and feel good about myself, I have absolutely zero ‘fat acceptance’. In June I decided to try to do something about it and have lost 40 lbs so far through exercise and following Weight Watchers. I still have a lot to go but I have had enough and am determined to make a change.
I don’t like being fat, I don’t think fat looks good on ANYBODY. I believe that women who are all about fat acceptance, taking photos of themselves with cupcakes and hanging out in clubs with chubby chasers are very sad. Instead of doing something about it they create their own culture where being fat and unhealthy is the desired state, and that sort of disgusts me. I am also not at all attracted to overweight men.
Thanks for writing this and good luck with your sister. I do hope she decides to do something about it while she is young, I certainly wish I had.
I love reading blogs like this. They really help to give me more pointers and cues to say to my own kids. I am not unlike your mom, I am PETRIFIED of inputing negative body image thoughts upon my kids. I am terrified of trying to walk my daughter through my choices of plastic surgery before she is old enough to truly grasp the idea. I stress that if I don’t say we eat healthy and are physically active for health purposes, if it even maters, because she is 10 and her friends know more than me right now. Ugh. I fold. My head hurts…
I don’t have anything brilliant to add, I think you’ve said it all. I love you, and thank you for writing this! xoxo
Great post Maria. Encouraging healthy eating and physical fitness is no where near looking down on someone because they are fat.
Hi- I’m a fairly new reader and don’t think I’ve commented before. You are so right, it’s hard these days to be anti-fat without offending someone. It is important to be happy in your body but being healthy is such a big part of that. Way to go for realizing that and starting when your girls are young so they will grow up with a healthy idea of body image!
Riley was telling me that one of her friends at school eats McDonald’s almost every day for lunch. Her mom comes to the school and drops it off at lunch-time. I can’t even fathom that! I can’t fathom how that’s even convenient!!
You know me, it’s all about balance. And I just know that you and your girls will be fine.
I’m very sorry about your sister, though. I hope she reads this!
Since my weight loss going from a size 20 to a size 14, I’ve noticed I get laid more. LOL. No but I’m losing weight for the health benefits I’m one unhealthy 27 year old. I wish my dad, who mostly blew off my size as baby weight and fed me twinkies ( I loved twinkies), had taken my being over weight more seriously. I might not be where I am today. It sucks being the fat girl in class. I had boyfriends but the guys I REALLY liked liked skinny girls. Even if they did like me peer pressure called for them to date skinny or chubby, not big as hell. I remember walking in a room and being relieved that there was a girl bigger than or at least the same size as me and sad if I were the biggest girl in the room. I felt like a huge elephant trying to pretend to be a normal student. At any rate, it’s important for us all at any age to be healthy.
I miss you by the way, how have you been?
Good. For. You.
I agree completely.
My mom has always ridden me about my weight. Now, as an adult with my own home far away from her, I still think of her warnings when I eat something naughty. Her influence was strong that I think I could easily be 300 pounds if it weren’t for my own personal mom/Jiminy Cricket. For that, I’m thankful.
But here’s the bad side. Whenever I get above my fighting weight, I feel as if she loves me less. It strains our relationship, it’s that big of a deal. Maybe I imagine the glances and comments and stuff, but maybe I don’t. But it kills me.
Anyway, you’re right. We shouldn’t let girls think that being unhealthy and obese is OK. It’s not. But we also shouldn’t make them feel like their worth is tied to their appearance, or that carrying extra weight makes you less deserving of love. As you said, it;s such fine line.
I’m glad I have boys!
Yeah, I totally agree. I have been hearing about ‘fat acceptance’ thing quite a lot recently. There is a fine line between being comfortable in your skin and being completely ignorant of the bigger issue.
“How is she being taught to love herself if she’s not being taught to take care of herself? ”
Hit the nail on the head and drove it home!
As I understand it, the fat acceptance movement is not so much about encouraging people be fat or unhealthy, it is more about Health At Every Size [HAES]. It is possible to be active and eat a good diet and still be overweight.
This is not to say that people who don’t/can’t exercise or people who do not have the skills/income to have a good diet are bad or unhealthy. Everyone’s situation is unique.
I’m sorry, but I can’t agree with the “don’t have the income to have a good diet” bit. How expensive are raw fruits and vegetables? We were without an income for nearly 6 months this year and still managed to eat healthily on a very tight budget. Making wise decisions with food requires a lot of willpower and a little education, but it doesn’t require a bunch of money.
We have cereal for breakfast, bring sandwiches and fruit for lunch, and have pasta or vegetables for dinner. Not expensive.
The income thing comes in when people don’t live near enough a grocery store and only have convenience stores in range. It happens. If there’s no fresh produce near you & you don’t have a car, being too poor to eat healthy can be a real issue.
But if you have access to good food, yes it’s possible to eat reasonably healthy on any budget.
Won’t the government start making us get up and exercise in a few years as it watches us through our TVs and attempts to cut the costs of “universal healthcare” a la Guy Montag’s forced morning routines?
Even if that scenario takes a while to come to fruition, you’re right. This is why when a bunch of folks came over to watch the AL v. TX game and asked if we had any Cokes (sodas to y’all non-Southerners), we had to tell them they should have brought their own. I don’t stock crap that will slowly kill us.
I completely understad what you’re saying, but the challenge comes when we assume people are healthy just because they’re skinny. When the truth is most teens in this country have horrible eating habits, it just so happens that some may eat more than others or there may be other factors at play. I would also venture to say that your sister probably isn’t eating much differently than her peers so she may not feel there’s anything wrong with how she’s eating. And school lunches are more like science experiments than real food.
I was overweight since middle school until I lost 100lbs about 3 years ago, but the only barrier weight had for me was the one I put on myself. Being a fat teen is not a death sentence, nor will it make you an automatic outcast. But the focus indeed should be taking care of yourself to the best of your ability.
January 13, 2010 at 5:18 pm
If her eating habits were the only issue, I’d agree with you. But the fact that she’s completely sedentary on top it and she has some god awful genes on both sides of her family tree that she’s going to have to fight long and hard against. And she’s not doing it.
Know what I hate? The doctors who, after seeing an obese patient with her fifth or sixth knee or joint injury, says nothing to that person about losing weight. I think it’s medical malpractice.
As to your post: Yes, an obese 13-year-old needs help, but it’s really not her fault. It’s the mother’s fault for providing unhealthy breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks. Have some compassion for her. She’s got a rough road ahead. You should help her re-learn to eat. (Remembering the old adage that it can take 10 to 12 times of trying something to actually like a new food.)
You might also want to bring her to Weight Watchers, which has a great teen program, and provides uplifting support and, yup, compassion for these poor kids.
January 13, 2010 at 5:15 pm
I do not blame my sister – my mom has fed her this way and encouraged her to be lazy since birth, basically. I blame my mother. BUT my sister is approaching the age where she has to take control of her own life. I have plenty of compassion, but when she’s home alone and my mom is at work and she’s eating 3 or 4 bags of 100 calorie snack bags? It’s wanes. Quickly. I bitched her out recently for being lazy and not wanting to a 30 minute dance video that my mom is doing. She sucked it up, 1/2 assed it for the last 1/2, and I figured it was better than nothing. As far as I know it was her only day doing it, while my mom does it every day. She lets my sister sit on her bed and observe. Pshaw.
I’ve talked to them both. Frequently. To my mom, I’ve said everything I’ve written here. The simple fact is that my mom doesn’t want to help my sister change, my sister doesn’t want to make the effort to change, and my hands are tied.
This is perfect. I am a type I diabetic and have been for 21 years. My health is more important to me than just about anything, but that’s because it’s been FORCED to be a key factor in my life from the age of 4. Luckily for me, I take good care of myself and feel great most of the time! But, I think people who do not have health issues often completely take their bodies for granted because they don’t have daily reminders of what it’s like to not feel well. They feel the consequences of poor decisions will never catch up to them. It frustrates me to see healthy people making poor, wreckless decisions with their health. You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.
Next Comments →