I honestly believe that, although it doesn’t stop me from fearing.
J. and I weren’t getting along over the weekend. We weren’t talking. Or rather; he was trying to talk to me but I wasn’t talking back. In the middle of the night, as I reflected on our petty issue, I drove around and ended up at the pier.
As I got out of the car, my heart was pounding just about out of my chest. I am timorous of the ocean at night. I mean really: it freaks me out. It’s so dark. It’s so loud. It’s impossible to tell where the sky and ocean meet. It seems as if that tide, innocently lapping away at the shore is really the palm of some massive behemoth, waiting to catch you and drag into those never-ending depths. That ceaseless darkness.
I watched it for almost half an hour, my heart never calming. I thought about Jason and I. All that we’d been through and all that we’ll go through in the future. I realized that it was fear that kept me from opening back up to him. From talking to him.
I’m still apprehensive that it won’t work. That one day he’ll decide forthwith that he’s done. That I’ll end up right back where I was the last time I wrote a blog about him, and my feelings about us.
Our relationship is as disquieting as the ocean at night.
Unpredictable and capricious.
It’s water-logged me before.
I don’t want it to happen again.
So what can I do?
Well, I’d guess I should stop fearing it as a start. My fear is what keeps me from allowing it to reach beyond what it has been and shifting into what it should be. What it could be.
I guess I’ll have to start swimming in the ocean at night.
(I wrote that just over 1 year ago. I did overcome my fear, and what I’d been afraid of came to pass. I guess I should have gone with my gut eh?)
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
so, is this the same as “fear is bullshit, so get your head out of your ass”?
I have never met anyone as fearless as you.
flutter´s last blog post..2008 can suck my…
looking back is weird
fear sets everyone back from so much
and it takes looking back to find that out
hope that made sense, stoned, silly attempt at being philosophic :op
Ophelia Mourne´s last blog post..
I’ll never admit it again. in fact, if you want proof that I said it, you better snapshot this page b/c I may come back and delete this comment…….but I’ve done the exact same thing. tried to make a relationship that had failed so many times before, work out just one more time.
despite my gut.
despite everything that history predicted.
despite the fact that we were both still the same two people who had been fuckin each other up for years…..
and the part that I’ll want to come back and delete later? I still don’t know if I consider us “done”.
illegitimateAngel´s last blog post..Waiting for it.
Damn. I’ve been there. I never want to be there again.
Miss Grace´s last blog post..Christmas Photos
Ditto IllegitimateAngel. Except, “we” are done now.
The place that fear holds is a funny one. Sometimes its just plain old fear of the “what ifs” and sometimes it is intuition. The fucked up part is that we can never really know which one until we look back at the situation. Fear can be a real bitch to say the least.
Hindsight tends to make situations much clearer than they are while in the midst of them… Decisions are such tiny little moments that can literally change the paths of our lives. Messed up, isn’t it?
But fear isn’t there to make you not take chances. It’s there to make you think through the decisions you make, and weigh the possible outcomes. The fact that you were so scared and went on, anyway? Makes you incredibly brave, my dear.
tracey´s last blog post..It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood…
I’ve lost track of the things I didn’t do because I was scared. I’d like to say that will all change after reading this post, but I’m a realist.
Candy´s last blog post..Ho-Ho-Horror
I am guilty of the same fear in the past and probably in the future too. On another note I totally feel you on your fear of the ocean at night. I once decided to go swimming at night at the beach and scrambled back to shore as soon as i looked out into the night. Terrifying shit!! LOL
Hindsight is always 20/20, especially once all the emotional garbage is moved out of the way some.
I’m learning more and more that trusting my gut is the way to go. The feeling of fear can be based on events in our past, but can also be there to tell us something from what we’ve learned. Now, when I get that sense of something not being right, even when I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is, I listen.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Mental Health Day
I disagree, Maria. If you hadn’t tried again, you wouldn’t have known for sure. I went back to X about 4 times before I finally knew in my heart that it was definitely never going to work. I can’t regret it because that’s what it took for me to know.
April´s last blog post..(Early) Weekend Wrap-Up & (Early) Happy New Year
Oh on, that’s always a tough call. If you hadn’t gone back, you’d be in a completely different place, and who’s to say if that would be better or not? But now you know, and now you can for sure make a decision based on experience. If you hadn’t tried one more time, you probably would have regretted that. Life is hard.
MomBabe´s last blog post..*This is my 423rd published post.
Well, it always seems clear when we look back. If we didn’t take chances, we wouldn’t get hurt, but we’d also miss out on a lot.
Rachael´s last blog post..Contest!
Am I reading this wrong? Because I thought I was reading that you finally opened up completely to him and that’s why it finally worked between you too.
This of course coming from a new-to-this-blog reader so I don’t know what’s happened since.
OK! I understand now.. well here’s my two cents… though by now you probably already figured it out.
I’m a huge believer in that if you don’t allow yourself to be vunerable in each and every relationship, then you’re truly missing out on the whole experience and doing yourself a disservice. The “whole love experience” rocks. PERIOD. Even if it does end eventually.
To date and not invest yourself fully into it is like drinking an O’Doulls(sp?). Sure, it TASTES like beer. But is it really worth the calories if you’re NOT catching a buzz?
Sometimes what we fear does come to pass, but what you know now is that you are able to handle it.
Jen´s last blog post..Slumber Party
Sometimes maria, i truly believe we create what we fear. As if we hadnt focused on it, it never would have come….but who the hell will ever know.
trisha
momdot.com
trisha´s last blog post..Tonight at McDonalds….
Whatever happened, this was a beautiful post that you wrote last year.
JCK´s last blog post..And then the Doctor reels backwards toward JCK’s open chart and double-checks JCK’s age.
There are only two true emotions, fear and love and all other feelings(joy,happiness,anger,pain) comes from either one or the other. We choose to react or rather feel a certain way based on this. So when someone is say in the midst of a relationship breakup usualy they will blame the partner for what whatever shortcomings he/she had or internalize and look for failures within themself. It would be so much more beneficial if we could fully feel all the good aspects of the realationship, understand that the failures are just the measure by which we learn different elements of who we are to be, what we are to experience in our journey. There’s a saying that goes “You can’t keep doing the same thing a expect a different result” to a degree that is correct, however if you didn’t “get” the experience you needed the universe will gladly provide you the opportunity to try it as many times as it takes.