Bullshit.
It’s such a common thing to say, but it’s not true.
Not always.
All relationships are different, just like the people in them are.
It is very, very possible to hit someone that you love.
Love and violence are not mutually exclusive.
Just because a person is not capable of handling their anger in a proper way does not mean they do not care for you,
and while I almost understand why someone would say this,
I don’t. Not quite.
They need to get help.
It is never ok.
But just because they did it, doesn’t mean they don’t.
Maybe they don’t enough.
Maybe they don’t at all.
But maybe they really, truly do.
It doesn’t make someone weak to believe that someone that beat them loved them. Love is not enough, love should not hold them to someone that hurts them in any way, but attempting to convince them that the person that loved them really didn’t is arrogant and cruel on your part. You weren’t in the relationship and you don’t know. And sometimes, that belief is the only thing that keeps them sane; sometimes it helps them maintain their self respect when they can’t for the life of them figure out why they remained in such an awful situation for longer than they should have.
Either way, “If he loved you, he wouldn’t have hit you.” doesn’t help.
FYI.
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Listening to: The Smiths – This Charming Man
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
You know, I tend to agree with you here. If I scream at my children, it is wrong and a loss of my temper, but I still love them.
Now, OBVIOUSLY, none of us should be with someone who hits us. But I would never want to negate the love that may have existed before the pain. That isn’t really helpful, in my opinion. I think it just causes the abused to question their ability to KNOW love.
I agree with you. It all depends on the situation. It depends on the person. I DO, however, believe that if someone is kicking you tail on a regular it’s not love. If someone is beating you they might think it’s love, but it’s probably not. But is depends on the person. It’s one thing to not have self control.
Yeah, that sentence just needs to be ‘he/she shouldn’t have hit you.’
I don’t buy it for a second.
You don’t hammer someone you really love, no way, no how.
I’ve no doubt there are wasters around who convince themselves they love people and try to pull off this shit, but whatever it is, it’s not love.
I definitely agree, no one can know how much a person loves another unless they are that person. It is cruel to say that someone doesn’t love you when they have no idea!
I agree with you. It is possible to get into a knock-down, drag-out fight and lose it for a second. If he/she continues to hit, then they don’t love you. I’ve been on both sides–one was a severe argument that turned into a yelling, screaming, throwing punchs…and one was a regular pattern of abuse. I will say that the former relationship lasted another six months and the latter ended a lot later than it should have.
I still love you though, M. *smooch*
I absolutely, positively agree with you. I also agree there is no excuse for that sort of thing. I like to add – to the phrase “Real Men Don’t Rape” – “And They’ll Never Hit You, Either”.
Love is a sneaky and funny little bitch. I agree. Sometimes its an abundance of love that leads to violence. Like you said, every situation is different, and words need to be chosen carefully for each situation.
November 9, 2009 at 6:16 pm
I agree, but I wonder…if I’d never been on the other side, never raised my own fist or considered slapping my kid, would I? It’s pretty easy to make that assessment when you’ve only been on the receiving end/never been hit, right?
I’m curious to know what inspired this bad-boy of purgation.
I tend to think that it’s simply a different definition of love than what I think is more apt – love, in its truest sense – is an action verb that displays compassion, respect, and empathy.
However, you’re right that it doesn’t help the person being abused to be told that simplistic statement. Physical abuse is often accompanied with mental and emotional abuse and the person being abused needs something more concrete than a platitude to protect them.
I once had a boyfriend who slammed me against the wall, ripped off my bra then slapped my face because he was jealous. I allowed it to happen that one time but said if it did ever again, he was out of my life, no questions asked. Lots of people said that there was no way he loved me because he did that to me and my reply was, “Yes, he loves me the way he knows how, not the way that we think he should.”.
I dumped him later but still, I agree with what you are saying here.
I’ve been hit before. I know that he loved me too, and still does.
I grew up with a dad who beat my mother. I know he loved her, too.
Such ugly business, all of this. I’m just glad I don’t get hit now. And if a cracker wants to try it, I hope he doesn’t care about his teeth.
Totally agree. He probably does, indeed, love them/ her/ whoever, but he loves like a fucking asshole. He loves the way he knows how – badly and painfully, but… yeah.
this is real talk right here, sister.
He may love you, but it doesn’t make it ok…is the only thing that should be said. Maybe right after “that fucker!”
I’m not a fan of cliches, therefore those are not words that I can ever recall having spoken. historically, I have had immense difficulty understanding victims of DV. I think it has only been the last few years that I have come to an understanding that reached farther than the pages of a textbook about how it is that such things occur in relationships and how they trap people. I think in general, what is helpful is different for different people. but I can definitely see where some would not be comforted by such words.
Relationships are complicated.
This discussion is WAY too philosophical for me.
This is the epitome of a bad mommy moment. Consider it flagged.
BTW…gave you an award on my blog. I love your honesty and your writing.