I grew up in a staunchly religious home. It was hell. Practicing vespers was the worst part of it – from Friday at sundown until Saturday, or Sabbath, at sundown there was no television, no shopping, no secular activities permitted. We were to rest and reflect on the Lord and all he’d done for us in the previous week. I was never allowed to attend dances and rarely to listen to any music other than gospel, which may explain my early affinity for Sam Cooke, Al Green and Mahalia Jackson. If it wasn’t gospel it was Kenny Rogers or or Johnny Cash or Johnny Mathis or Frank Sinatra. Not that that’s a bad thing – Kenny Rogers is that shit.
Every Sabbath I spent from 9am until 2pm in church, usually an hour or three spent listening to a preacher speak. If my eyes closed or I huffed too loudly, I was pinched back into my upright, silent stature by my grandmother. I sang. Even when I didn’t want to, I sang. Almost every week someone asked me to sing for their Sabbath School program and I wasn’t allowed to refuse. Wednesdays were for Prayer meetings and Friday nights for choir practice. Sabbath evenings were spent at the youth meetings where the highlight of my week: a fast food dinner when the sun set was all that kept me sane.
Seventh Day Adventists don’t fuck around when it comes to God and following the The King James Version of The Bible. And none of that New Testament cancels out Old stuff that I see preached by other denominations. No nitpicking and choosing what was convenient for our lives while maintaining our right to judge the rest of the world. We were disallowed things that most people think are prohibited only to only Jews or Muslims. We were taught to recite passages that most people had never heard of. We were imprisoned by our religion and it’s insane requirements for everlasting life with God.
For example, I was taught that eating pork, shellfish, fish that swam without scales and certain other meats was unclean, and therefore disallowed. I can still pretty much recite the Deuteronomy verse “And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you. Ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcass.” And the one from Leviticus: “But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you.“
Now, even though I am an Atheist, I still don’t touch it. I will steal a slice of pepperoni off of J.’s pizza once in a blue moon, but I’ve never even been tempted to eat the wrong type of seafood, or a pork chop, or a piece of ham. J. bullied me into trying a piece of his lobster that was about the size of a pinhead and soaked in butter but as soon as it hit my tongue I started retching and spit it back out. I just could not do it.
It makes no sense, but what makes even less sense is that I’m passing this ungrounded neurosis onto my children. I do not allow them to eat pork or seafood other than salmon, occasionally. Why am I doing this? I have no fucking clue. But I also have no intention of allowing them to eat any of the ‘unclean’ meats in the future either.
Religion made me bat shit crazy.
I’m guessing that they’ll be crazy enough too without me teaching them that a “cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree…”
If they decide they need their soul saved later on in life, more power to them. My grandparents will be very pleased that although I strayed from the path of righteousness and salvation, my children had the sense not to stray with me. But right now? I’ll just focus on making them into awesome people – without the pressure of trying to ensure they don’t burn in the fiery depths of hell.
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You know what? Teaching them to be good people will keep them off the greased slide to hell, and by extension, you.
First, I am laughing my fucking ASS off over here. Second, I don't think I've ever agreed with you more. About anything. EVER.
First, I am laughing my fucking ASS off over here. Second, I don't think I've ever agreed with you more. About anything. EVER.
You're missing out on bacon but lets be honest pigs are gross little fuckers. Who wants to eat something that spends it's day lying around in shit and will literally eat anything even dead cut up prostitutes… seriously it happened, who knew BC pig farmers were so fucked up. Also I'm allergic to shell fish so even though I'm not to concerned about the spreading of their hooves or whatever I only eat clean meat too!
Ha! And this is why I stopped going to church. Its just all too much and too structured. You have to search long and hard to find a group that teaches interpretation. I remember damn near raising my hand in church when my pastor said that although men and women are equal that men are still the more important ones. That a woman's place was behind a man. Bullshit.
And, uh, in the words of Chris Rock, “I'll eat a pigs ass if they cook it right!!”
NO.
FUCKING.
WAY.
Seriously. I JUST BLOGGED ABOUT THIS!!! GAAAH! Another cosmic connection with the immoral matriarch! I feel so humbled!
I has the shivers.
No seriously, I can't get over the fact that you used to be a Seventh Day Adventist. My parents still are, and I was raised in a very strict household much like yours. I did it all. Sabbath school, piano, special music, pathfinders, camporees…. I have no fucking idea how I'm going to break the news to them that I'm soooo fucking over their religion.
Spoooooky. I thought I was the only one in the blogosphere.
“cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree…”
Did you get that by googling my sister? 'Cuz that is her stance. Or the deep belief that all things started from Pagan's.
November 18, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Tell your awesome little people that Aunty OHmommy makes the best pork schnitzel ever. With homemade dumplings too.
Don 't feel bad. No pork, no cancer-causing nitrates.
I don't know whether to be sad for you or to continue laughing. At least there was some good music somewhere in that childhood, um, right?
In any case, I just burned the ever-loving SHIT outta my pork-eating throat when “rib-woman” caused me to take a huge swallow of burning hot coffee. Thanks. (No really!)
Holy shit. No lobster? No pork? Why bother eating at all??
I'm TELLING you, girl: Magic and fairies all the way. ;)
When I bite into a grissly part of a piece of sausage, I wonder if I should maybe get off the pork, too.
I wasn't raised in a religious home. I was baptized Lutheran as a baby, “becuase that's what we do,” but after that I only set foot in churches if someone in the family died. I started going to a non-denominational church about 9 years ago, and even after that much time, I have to admit, I just don't get it.
November 18, 2008 at 1:54 pm
OH SHIT! Pathfinders!!! I'd forgotten all about the pathfinders!! HAH!!
November 18, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I saw it on a .gif. I couldn't take credit, that's why I put it in quotes. But there's no real source! It's just some random viral internet thing!
Thank goodness my parents didn't keep kosher. I LOOOVE seafood and bacon and ham.
I did used to try to follow the no leavened bread products on Passover thing but I was always severely constipated by day 4.
Silly religion….but I guess you already know how I feel about that. ;)
Sounds like a good plan to me!:-)
This is the first time that your blog loaded for me in under 4 minutes. I'm totally doing the “Yay Maria's page uploaded in less than 4 minutes” dance right now.
I grew up Catholic, although my parents were super strict (and my dad never went to church with us). We didn't have much money and being looked down upon for not having new clothes to wear to church still sticks in my head. I mean WTF? Shouldn't fellow church goers have been proud that my mom got EIGHT kids up and ready to come to a 9:00am mass? But that's beside the point.
I don't think religion instilled a sense of right or wrong in me. I think my parents did. And I think that's what's important.
My best friend grew up 7th Day Adventist. I was with her the first day she ever tried a BLT. I'm not sure, but I think she may have orgasmed.
I just tell her what a shame it is she's going to hell since Jesus doesn't like pierced ears.
Love this post, Maria! My hubby's gonna love it too…Can't wait for him to read it!
November 18, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I eat beef bacon – I cannot stand the smell of real pork, it makes me
nauseous. I walked into a Waffle House where it smelled like they were
cooking nothing but bacon and sausage and vomited all over the floor before
I made it to a booth. BAT SHIT CRAZY I tell you.
November 18, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Hiii Kate!!! *lol*
You want to get rid of a body? Feed it to a pig and soak the teeth in Pepsi. That said, I am a huge fan of ham and Mt. Dew.
My niece is a Seventh Day Adventist. It makes dinners interesting, because she's really not that fond of Catholics.
I'm a fourth generation atheist. For serious. Of my GREAT grandparents, only one was sort of ambivalently agnostic. Which is kind of a weird way to grow up because most people that I talk to who aren't religious had to go through some type of rebellion to get there, whereas that's just how we were raised.
My parents just taught us to be considerate of other people and our planet.
And also? I kinda think it counts for more if you're a good person just for the sake of being a good person, and not because you're afraid of a fiery afterlife.
November 18, 2008 at 4:49 pm
It's instilled in us. Even now, I still have a religious superiority
complex. And in the church, Catholicism is blamed for *everything* from
changing the worshiping day from Sabbath to Sunday, to the general belief
that you can drink and smoke and whatever as long as you repent for it. Tsk
tsk you naughty catholics. :P
Maria Young
immoralmatriarch.com
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