My Decision, Dammit.
How romantic would it be to call myself a writer? It seems so much more supple an answer than ‘a mom’ or ‘a student’ or ‘a freeloading wise ass’. ‘Oh, I’m a writer’, said nonchalantly even though my insides would be fluttering about wildly as the words left my lips.
I’m a very pessimistic person, and I don’t think that my writing is that good. Sometimes, I write something that I’m proud of here on this blog, and someone says I’m a great writer in the comments and my heart swells, but then I read another blog, an entry that to me is not very good, and the people in the comments are fawning over how wonderful of a writer that person is and it knocks me back down into reality. The reality that I’m mediocre at best, because sometimes, when it’s evident that you’re attempting to write well, people somehow feel obligated to tell you that you did. So, I take hearing it with a grain of salt.
But sometimes, I believe it. Like when Maggie tells me. Oh, my, how I love my Maggie. To me, there is not another blogger in existence that writes like she does. She has the most amazing talent that I have ever seen here in this grand ol’ blogosphere and she awes me. I’ve actually cried reading her posts before, and it wasn’t because it was a sad one - it was because it was so, so very excellent. I felt privileged to have read it. My heart broke when she quit, and leaped when she changed her mind and returned.
Maggie told me that I should stop blogging my Dance, Dance posts and start writing them. Drafting a book proposal. I argued with her, but she told me she believed in me. She believed it was marketable, and she believed in my talent. I told her, truthfully, that if she had been any one else to suggest it, that I would have waved off the notion completely. But because it was her, I considered it. I told her that if I was to ever be lucky enough to get a book deal that I’d dedicate the book to her. I’ve been considering her suggestion for a few days now, wavering between yes and no.
Today, while watching an old episode of The L Word, I decided on yes. It was a scene where Jenny opens her mail and receives a manuscript rejection letter from a publisher. She then turns around and tacks it up on the wall, and as the camera zooms out, you see that it’s one of dozens.
I realized that half of my battle with myself was not with believing in myself, but it was with dealing with the fact that others wouldn’t believe in me. My fear of rejection, my hatred of the word ‘no’. I realized that if I didn’t jump that hurdle, I’d never go anywhere but into a deep hole of regret and self loathing for never attempting it. I realized that the person I’ve grown to respect and admire most as a writer since I started blogging over 5 years ago was behind me, and that I could do it. So I will. Can’t hurt to try.
There will be no more ‘Dance, Dance’ posts published here. Not for a while anyway. I’m going to compile my stories and shop around my idea and hopefully one day, you’ll see it in print. This actually works out better. When blogging, I try to remain conscious of how long each post is, writing and then editing out the unimportant details as best I can. If each story is a chapter in a book, I don’t have to delete details and happenings like I do here, and I can really share my experience. It’ll be an uphill battle, but hey: life is.
Just in case I don’t get a book - I wanted to dedicate something to you. And this post is that.
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September 2nd, 2008 at 12:33 am
That’s great!! I wish you all the luck in the world and success in finding a publisher!!
The latest from Kristyn…Nervous, yup, that’s me!
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:36 am
That book will be awesome - and i want an autographed copy! (Please!)
You are an awesome writer. I don’t say that to be nice - because we all know I am not really very nice.
So there! :P
The latest from Sybil Law…Big Bang
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 am
Hot Damn. I hope someday I’ll have the balls to write my heart and that someone will speak of me that way.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:00 am
Yeah! I am so glad you decided yes- I think it would so unlike anything else out there and I know I will be in line to buy it!
The latest from Margie…Karma, baby
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:38 am
You are a writer, so there. Maggie and I are in cahoots.
The latest from flutter…Into the sleeping (alleged) mind of flutter
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 am
Good luck to you. I have been really considering making some of my short stories publishable and I do understand the fear of mediocrity/rejection. I hope I see you in print one day!
The latest from Lilacspecs…Feel the Burn
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 am
Thank god for Maggie since you didn’t want to listen to the rest of us telling you what a fucking fantastic and beautiful writer you are.
So I’ll say thanks to Maggie too, for making Maria finally listen to some reason.
Love you Maria. I’ll be first in line to buy your book. And you KNOW anytime you want to feel like a real writer, just come to my blog :D
The latest from Miss…A Choice
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 am
Maria, your writing IS that good! I love your blog, and sometimes it’s funny or silly, but other times I am just blown away by your life, your experience, and the way you capture it. I’m really glad that you’ve decided to go for it! You CAN do it, and I can’t wait to read it!
The latest from Rachael…Perfect Post: Palin & Getting Played
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:45 am
I think that’s the perfect decision. I wish you the best! I knew you when……
The latest from dysfunctional mom…My First Political Post
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:48 am
I don’t know Maria… I’m liking what I just read over at DMD and everything I’ve read here before.
Yeah, Maggie is a great writer. But so are you. We all just have our own voice and it’s hard not to get up in others sometimes. Plus you’re super fun in real life to top it all.
You Go Girl!
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:41 am
I guess you’ll just have to listen to the rest of us tell us what a wonderful writer you are.
The latest from deb on the rocks…A Night-Night story for Sarah Palin’s Baby
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:54 am
Although I hate that your stopping Dance Dance on here; I impatiently wait for you to get your book out there, because I will be one of the firsts in line to buy it!
The latest from Stephanie…Cindy’s Baby Shower
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:03 am
I thought the same thing about your Dance, Dance posts.
If you are ever looking for test readers on your way to finishing it, I would be THRILLED to volunteer. I have a writer’s group that meets now and we read each other’s stuff and it’s so helpful.
And I’ll be expecting an autograph when it’s published.
The latest from manager mom…At Least I Know What She Wanted To Buy At Target
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 am
You are totally a writer and I will so buy your book.
The latest from Jenny, Bloggess…It would be even funnier if we later found out that God’s name actually was Chuck.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 am
I gave you an award on my blog! Whee. :)
The latest from Maria…celebrating stillness
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
BTW, I definitely think you’re on the right track. And I prefer your writing style to Diablo Cody’s if we’re going to start comparing risque memoirs. (Is that a genre yet?)
I want to write a memoir about working with porn for four years. Some day. When I won’t get sued for it.
The latest from Maria…celebrating stillness
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:50 am
Ohhhh, wow!
Maria, you give me way, way, way more credit than I deserve. I mean, you totally rock, and I’m so glad you’re listening to me, and I’m so proud of you, but I’m also in no way qualified to judge the way you think I am. I just told you what all these people have been telling you all along.
I’m horrifically flattered, though. Just totally, totally, totally blown away by what you said here. Thank you. :) :) :)
The latest from maggie, dammit…Gustav
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 am
I have to say that opinons matter in the case of who’s writing is great and who’s is mediocre. I thoroughly enjoy your writing, and I agree, when I see comments saying ‘OMG! this is amazing writing’ some places I think ‘Wha? Did I just read the same thing??’ BUT, Maria-I have to disagree with your idea of editing out unimportant details. I would hate to think of what you with hold-share, share it all!
The latest from traci…What Keeps You Up At Night?
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Brilliant idea! I’ll look forward to purchasing (my signed by the author) copy.
The latest from leendaluu…
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:18 am
Isn’t it amazing to have a cheerleader like Maggie? Hand to god she *still* drags my unwieldy carcass through every assignment I take on.
All it takes is one person to beleive in you, especially as a writer. Maggie did that for me too. It’s a powerful thing.
I can’t wait to see your book hit the shelves, Maria.
The latest from Pare…Um.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
Fantastic decision :)
Once you start calling yourself something, you tend to become it.So,there you are. You ARE a writer.Deal with it.
The latest from Jupiter…Jupiter doesn’t pick on teenage mommies
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:49 am
WONDERFUL decision. I’d buy it in a heartbeat.
(I don’t think I write well either, and never understand it when people say I do.)
The latest from Honeybell…Cookies, Promises, and Makeup. Oh My!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:03 am
I will sooo buy that book!
The latest from Don Mills DIva…Beware: I will steal your sons
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 am
Good for you! I’ll buy your book WHEN it’s published.
The latest from Carolyn Online…Clemson vs. Alabama
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
I agree Maggie is pretty awesome.
I agree with her, YOU are pretty awesome yourself.
And I agree with both of you, start writing THAT book. It will be the most awesome.
FYI. Even my mother tunes in when you wrte those posts.
The latest from ohmommy…The post I wasn’t going to post.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:35 am
Awesome… Really, really awesome. You can do this. I know you can.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:46 am
Oh, so excited for you! And for me, because I will buy that sumbitch the second it hits the shelves, then mail it to you to demand an autograph and personalized message. Thanks Maria and Maggie!
The latest from Captain Steve…An Open Letter To Jo March
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Good luck with the book…I definitely think you should go for it. I love and will miss Dance Dance Dance posts…man that shit is GREAT.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I’ll buy that book!
The latest from Erika Jurney…I’ve been out of the loop for a couple of decades — is there a PC term for these yet?
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Making this decision is the first step. You are a writer girl and you know it, even if it is just a teeny whisper - you know it. I am glad you have decided to claim it and write that book. I look forward to reading it.
The latest from Renee aka MekhisMom…Friends - Bloggers and Real Life
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Just try and remember that it only matters a LITTLE bit what other people think (I won’t say it doesn’t matter at all, because we all know that’s a heap of a big lie) but it matters a LOT of what YOU think.
Be happy with what you write. It’s honest and it’s you. That’s all any of us can do.
The latest from tracey…How to earn my loyalty…
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
OHMommy said exactly what I was going to say. I CAN NOT WAIT to read your book WHEN it gets published.
The latest from Mrs. Kitty…Labor Day means Labor right???
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Anyone who writes and does it becuase they love it is a writer-even if it sucks. Which you don’t. So good luck. :)
The latest from Kori…My Own Personal New Year
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Yay! I’m so excited for you! I think it is a wise decision. If you didn’t do it you would always wonder.
Good luck!!!! :)
The latest from Kathryn…A Long, Hot, Sweaty, Messy, Sleepless Night
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
It’s only my second visit, but I think you are a very good writer. You have what it takes in that it feels like I’m listening to you speak as I read your posts, if that makes sense. You should really try writing your book, and even if it doesn’t work out in the end, you won’t have to worry about the “what-ifs” later on.
The latest from Daddy Dan…Daddy Dan Interviews…..Andrea from Caffeinate Me
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Most inspiring thing I’ve read all day.
The latest from Miss Grace…It was either a MeMe or a quarter-life crisis, what can I say?
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
i’ll take an autographed copy please.
thanks.
The latest from the planet of janet…Fun Monday: the where I blog edition
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:30 pm
I wish you good luck and frankly, remember that a lot of the publishing world is about luck (after skill)! So don’t get down on yourself too quickly.
The latest from Mandy…You Know You Should Call It a Day When…
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 pm
No offense to your other readers, but my opinion matters more than most, on this particular topic. I know that I frequently give off the vibe that mine matters more than most, but this time I really mean it!!….and I’ll tell you why:
my mother…lol. well you know my mother…complicated Ms. Bethie can’t balance her checkbook but was an avid reader and expected the same of us. She taught me to appreciate good writing, an honest opinion, and fine black men. (I’m kidding about the honest opinion part)
My sister is a published writer.
My best friend is an *as of yet* unpublished writer.
and I’m a former third grader who read psychology books and memoirs cover to cover in single sittings instead of playing hopscotch with my peers.
the phenomenon that you are concerning yourself with (people giving props to poorly written work) is from people who are not connoisseurs of the written word. What they are commenting on is the fact that they like the PERSON. Not that the person excels at writing.
The latest from illegitimateAngel…"You never had game, you were just a slut"
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:03 pm
If Maggie says it, then dammit, believe it!
What makes you good is that your voice is your own and you don’t cop to trying to fiddle with other people’s voices…trying them on for size, seeing if your ass looks big, and wondering whether the bad UV lighting is doing anything for you.
You are everything you want to be!
Jupiter is correct…you want to be, so therefore you are.
Well, I tried to make it sound all philosophical and stuff, but you know what I mean! ;)
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Do you want me to be totally honest? Cuz I will.
I think many of your commentators (??) are over-the-top sweet and ego-stroking. But I do NOT think they are giving you lip service, because I think you are a talented and honest writer… and that is a winning combination.
And if they ARE giving you lip service, I think it’s because they are scared of you. ;)
HA!
SO, in conclusion, listen to your “public,” and accept their accolades. But stay grounded and know that as amazing a writer and storyteller you are, there is always room to improve. Sometimes not much, but room nonetheless. ;)
The latest from Kristie…What?
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:02 am
Oh, and I forgot to mention… HELL YEAH. Write that book. This is a huge decision. I’m proud of you!
The latest from Kristie…What?
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:30 am
I;m stomping my foot like a pissed off toddler but I will respect your decision cuz it means that you’ll be WRITING. Dammit.
The latest from Zoeyjane…Random Smoking Thoughts #2
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:21 am
M, I am so excited for you… and thank goodness you and Maggie found each other.
I am totally addicted to you both.
This will be awesome!!
The latest from Karen MEG…"Wordless Wednesday"
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:53 am
Well, I know it’s not the same coming from me (i.e., not Maggie), but I think you’re an awesome writer, and I would SO buy the book. Even at full price!
The latest from April…Free Again!
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Go you! I think it’s definitely marketable. I’d buy it.
The latest from Gypsy…Hab SoSlI’ Quch!*
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I will soo be all over that book when you publish it.. and it will get published because you are that good..
The latest from Kim…Slowing Life Down
September 4th, 2008 at 12:27 am
i don’t want to sound insincere coming after all the comments above, but I really do love your writing and I think you have an amazing story to tell and a great voice with with to tell it. you go, girl. good luck!
The latest from merlotmom…Japanese Tease
September 4th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The only way you could fail, is by not giving it a shot. You don’t want to look back years down the road and say ‘Would of, could of, should of.”
The latest from Employee No. 3699…Selma in the City
September 10th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
WOOT!!!!!!! :)
The latest from loveyh…Untitled, Part Nine
September 12th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Of course I didn’t read the series until after I read this but I have to tell you, days later, I’m still thinking about it. They’ll make a great book but I’m sad that we won’t get to read anymore now. They’re fantastic.
The latest from Miss Awesome…So Sue Me, I Admire People With Rhythm
December 31st, 2008 at 12:02 am
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