"…One post to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them."

At BlogHer [I promise this isn't another BlogHer post!], I heard a few times that I was much nicer than people expected me to be. That I smiled more, that I was much more social and friendly, etc. This didn’t surprise me, because I’m sure not everyone has had the opportunity to read my Exegesis page, where I say:

“I am extremely opinionated but I maintain an overall civil and diplomatic demeanor in my every day interactions. This blog is my personal space to say whatever the fuck I want.”

Maria = immoralmatriarch. But, immoralmatriarch = Maria uncut and uncensored. No one in life that expects to have decent social interaction with other people [including those who think differently than them] will pop off at the mouth 24/7 without filter. As I’ve said before, and as my real life friends have said in comments – I am the way I am, here and there I am the same, but I’m not a total and complete bitch. I promise.

Dude. I don’t ever stop smiling, even when I’m pissed off. I embody that southern hospitality thing. I give just enough of a smile to cock a dimple at anyone who passes me on the street. I always say thank you when someone holds a door open, and excuse me if I bump into you. I will talk to you and laugh with you and learn to appreciate you and everything about you within minutes of meeting you.

But I curse like a sailor, I will go the fuck off on you if you’re rude for no reason, and I will call you out on your shit if I need to. I will very sarcastically say ‘thank you’ if you let a door close in my face and ‘excuse you’ if you bump into me without acknowledgment. I have no tolerance and little patience. I have a big mouth and a constantly overworking brain.

Why am I saying this? Because I need to clear up two resounding misconceptions about me floating around out there. A.) that I’m a cunt and B) that I’m a pussy. Let me explain what I mean.

I am not A. because I am not mean. I am not rude. I can be a bit thoughtless, I can be rancid, I can be tactless, I can be offensive. Usually though, they are completely unintentional. Although it’s been said that I’m not politically correct, I like to think that I am. I try to be very cognizant of what may be hurtful and offensive to others before I say it, or write it. But when my offending statements are on purpose, you can tell; there isn’t any doubt, there’s no room left for interpretation. I can be searingly violent with my words, and unless I am being so, I’m probably not trying to be. I don’t do passive aggressive, or indirect very well. I try. All the time. It doesn’t work for me; I just end up pissing myself off and then I usually explode. I am much more ‘fuck you, you suck and here’s why‘ than that.

I am not B. because you will not walk all over me. In the name of graciousness, and wanting to keep the peace, I may ignore a few steps on my heels, but do not mistake my want for smooth interaction to be weakness. I don’t do weakness. I’m not scared of anything except bridges. I’ve never been afraid of a person in my entire life [yes, I mean in my entire life] and I’m damn sure not afraid of you. Please believe it. Just because I keep my sociopathic thoughts about you to myself does not mean I’m going to roll over and play dead while you fuck me up the ass with a machete. Just because I don’t tell you exactly what I think of you on every occasion that I think something negative about you, and I ignore your crap does not mean that it’s alright for you to continue doing whatever that crap may be.

You: You didn’t get the password to my protected post because you didn’t give me any info but an email. Not even your name when I asked you. I’m letting you into my mind, my life, and with those posts, my family. A name would be the least you could do. So yes, fuck me and my crappy ass blog. Thank you.

And, to you: I am sorry that I don’t read and comment on every. single. fucking. post you write. I would play nicely and say that “I do! I do! I read them in my reader but sometimes I just don’t comment!”  like is true with other blogs, but it’s not true in this case, and I suck at lying. The truth is, you blog everyday and your posts are all like 3 scrolls long and contain the most mundane, self absorbed, yawn inducing to all of the world except you and your mother crap that I have ever come across ever. In the history of crap or ever. So I mark you as read more often than not. Sorry. People do it to me I’m positive, and to every other blogger on the planet that puts too much stock into their own words. My bounce rate is off the fucking charts and majority of my visits are less than 5 minutes. You don’t see me getting my panties in a wad and emailing anyone over it. Really. Calm down.

For you to call me self absorbed and selfish, inconsiderate and unappreciative of those that visit me here is totally unfair. No, you’re not on my blogroll. It’s only because I haven’t updated the thing since like..May! It wasn’t personal. You were going to take your rightful place on it when I took the time to update it, but since you wanted to go off on me and then have the audacity to expect an apology for these perceived wrongs I committed against you – you won’t be included. You can delete me off yours, I couldn’t care less. Fuck off.

And, to you: Yes, there are ‘IM spies’. But I wouldn’t have them if you’d stop sending out your stupid fucking emails defending yourself to people that have absolutely no fucking clue what you’re talking about because I haven’t told them anything. I certainly didn’t ask for them to spy, and they’d have no idea that there was anything wrong between us if you hadn’t told them. You have an extremely inflated sense of self importance to think that I came home from BlogHer with the intention of affecting your virtual relationships with anyone else. You don’t matter. I do not care. You may not have picked up on this, since you play oblivious to your passive aggressive cunt bullshit, but you sending out these emails is totally a passive aggressive act. You’re itching to pollute the minds of others against me, and you do so under the guise of being the poor, poor, widdle victim, waiting for them to inquire as to what happened so that you can shoot off at the mouth. Shut the fuck up woman. I’m tired of this. I’ve tried to handle it, I’ve tried to ignore it – the first to no avail and the second pretty successfully up until now.

You are becoming quite like a pile of dog shit I’ve stepped in and can’t quite get out of the treads of my sneakers. I don’t want you there, and it fucking sucks that I have to go at you with a toothbrush in the laundry room sink to get you gone. Please, just consider this some warm water that I’m running over you and go down the fucking drain so I don’t have to deal with you anymore. Next time I get an email about you,  my darling pile of stubborn dog shit, informing me of anything you’ve said about me I will attack with a washing machine full of bleach water and it will not be a fun ride, ie. – I will put you on full fucking blast. Just go away, and this will be the end of it. Right here.

You know what? Scratch that last part. It’s not worth it.

“Battle not with monsters,
lest ye become a monster,

and if you gaze into the abyss,
the abyss gazes into you.”

-  Friedrich Nietzsche

Whew. Feels good to release myself from all of that. Oh, and 5 cool points to whomever knows where the inspiration for the title of this post came from. (:

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