Immoral Matriarch: Catechizer

Out of the Minds of Morons. [a continuation]

Some of you may remember a post that I did back in February called Out of the Mouths of Idiots. You don’t? Well click the link. Consider this a part two of an unlimited series. It will continue until MySpace implodes from the stupidity of it’s members.

Once again, I’m sharing them in all of their complete, unedited and typographically erred glory.

COCANE writes:

“HOW ARE YOU TODAY MISS SWEET LADY? MY NAME IS C$CANE REPPIN 504/501 AND I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY AND INTRODUCE MYSELF… I’M JUST A GUY WHO TAKES PLEASURE IN THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE AND DOESN’T BULLSHYT WITH NOONE CAUSE I KNOW HOW THAT SHYT FEELS… I JUST WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU AND SEE WHAT IS UP WITH YOU… I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE PHONE SEX, CYBER SEX OR NONE OF THAT SHYT… ALL I’M HERE FOR IS MAKING NEW FRIENDS AND NETWORKING AND GETTING TO KNOW NEW PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD… IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WISH TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ME, HIT UP MY PAGE AND CHECK IT OUT AND IF YOU WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT ME OUTSIDE OF WORK, THEN YOU CAN HIT ME UP @ THE FOLLOWING PLACES:

YAHOO: *****COCANE
WINDOWS LIVE: CURTISD********
GOOGLE TALK: HALFAMANHALF******”

– One thing to say to you Cocane: it’s cocaine, dipshit.

Marquette writes:

“oh you must see my babby
ps
your smile is off the hook,your eyes are telling me your smart…….WOW….ALL THAT AND A BAG(sweet pup)OF CHIPS
MARQUETTE”

– Wha’? [READ: I cannot tell y'all how tempted I was to write this fool back and ask him what the FUCK he was talking about. Do you understand what the hell he said?]

Elmamau writes:

“hola como estas soy LUIS soy de mexico soy soltero no tengo hijos”

– Hello Luis, I’m good. I’m from America.  I’m married and have two children.

Why Complain??? writes:

“i was looking through all of these myspace single woman profiles… thinking to myself look at all these poor, desperate, lonely women… then i saw ur page nd figured id write nd see if u were as interesting on the inside as u are in ur pics…”

– I can’t tell you how much it means to me that amongst all the desolate broads on Myspace, you chose *me* to find interesting to look at. Such an honor. Especially since you look like someone fried bacon on your face. Damn I’m special.

Ernest writes:

“I wont to meet u”

– Me neither, Ernest. Me neither.

Leo writes:

“SUBJECT: WHAT’S GOODIE?

MESSAGE: YO MA WHATS REALLY GOOD WITCHA? I WAS JUST LOOKIN AT A FEW PROFILES… LOL… KINDA NEW TO DIS MYSPACE THANG YA DIG… I CAME ACROSS YOURS AND I MUST SAY YOUR VERY NICE ON THE EYES MY EYES YA DIG :) …. ANYWAYS I’M JUST DOIN A LIL NETWORKING SEEIN HOW PPL ARE … GET AT ME IIGHT!!”

– How many times can you repeat yourself in one run on sentence? And Ellipses are not stops, they are pauses.

The Realest writes:

“i cant add u for some bs about my name and email but if u dig me hit me up ttyl”

– *sigh* That’s supposed to be an idiot repellent, but it obviously doesn’t work well.

Andy writes:

“I’m out here trying to meet somebody new to hang out with and have a good time with. I’m the independent, family type; but I also know how to have a good time. If you can handle the rock star side of me and think you’d be interested in going out sometime, let me know.”

– You know what - there was absolutely nothing wrong with this message. He was a sweetheart, and he cut to the chase in a non abrasive way. He also spelled everything correctly, used the shift key properly, and wrote in complete sentences. I like Andy. So I actually wrote him back with: “You’re damn cute. I so would, were I not married. :)”

His response?

“If something happens and you become single again, let me know. I’d love to take you out sometime.”

– How sweet is Andy? It wasn’t the normal ‘what’s yo’ man got to do with me?‘ and he wasn’t wishing ill on my marriage. Just a nonchalant way of letting me know he was interested. I like Andy. He’s going in my rebound book.

The Realest returns with:

“i would honestly like to know u”

– Look gotdamnitt: when I didn’t reply to the first one, you should have realized that the feeling wasn’t mutual.

JOEBOY writes:

“I hope you havn’t fell in to far because you havn’t wieghed all of you options. you don’t know me yet so make that your mission. Your so sexy! ummm!”

– ‘The fuck? Am I being Punk’d?

d3M0n_bLu3 writes:

“Hey, how you doing?
I just want to say that I think you are VERY attractive, and was curious to see if the personality matched the level of your beauty. Shoot me back an email”

– While there was nothing really wrong with your message love, your username turned me off. I’m way too old for the alternating caps and numbers for letters, forgoing creating overly complicated passwords. I see you’re a marine - don’t get hurt over there. Peace.

UMMA DO ME writes:

“hey how u dping maria i was lookin at your profile r u a single women. your a pretty lady and would love to be your friend. do u ever come to mrytle beach baby if u do when the nexy time u coming down”

– No mother fucker - my ‘married’ status on my page is just to deter those who give up easily - I was just playin’ hard to get. Thank God you didnt fall for it. Now fuck off.

Johnny writes:

“YO WHATS GOOD SHORTY I WANT TO KNOW DO YOU WANT A MAN AND CAN I GET YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS FOR I CAN ADD YOU I LIVES HERE IN WILMINGTON NC TOO SO PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK”

– I’m just offended. As ugly as you are, you should know better than to approach anyone that isn’t legally blind.

Devon “Mr. Too Fly” writes:

“hey shawty, im tryin to find a little something extra in the area if ya know wut im sayin. im straight up n aint gonna play no mind games and dont want em played on me either. be real with me and tell me how you feel.”

– I feeeeeel like you’re a fucktard. Your wife looks like a sweet girl. Not that I give a fuck about her, but I mean damn - at least pretend like you want to do more than fuck me. For my ego’s sake.

Official SuceSS writes:

“Hey Mizz Immoral, how are you today? I think you’re so beautiful and I’d really like to be friends? Could we get to know each other?”

– No.

Tope writes:

“Dearest Angel, Forgive me if this letter came at the wrong of the day but I beg you to please really take note of it cos it comes from a heart of someone that you have so much affected during the reading of your profile. Hope you are fine and your family,as for me you have made me to smile again ,cos i have never believed that this can happen to me in my life time again. Due to my past experience I have decided for a long time to stay alone without a woman and never to love again,but look at me today smiling over your profile which i am well convinced that if a woman like you can exist it means there is much hope for me to be happy again even more than before. Please I am not good in flattering people and never will i do that cos the true is i mean what i am saying,from my heart I am so happy to meet and email someone like you even if you didn’t reply,that is fine but don’t forget that you have occupied a space in my heart. and please don’t let age nor distance between us be a barrier for this reality,i urge you… May nothing stop nor discourage you from mailing me back and be open to me cos i have good intentions towards you… Just know that I am out for something good not evil neither to hurt you nor harm you,(NOOOOOOOO) please be real towards me and no games… I pray that you will understand my lyrics and get back to me soonest… Really you must be a nice woman and what have made you to join this site and what are your motives and intentions towards your new love? please i will love to have your pics and hear more from you. This is my private email (tommyalone4@yahoo.com) or am on line now waiting to chat with you I wait for your reply, Tope(just smiling”

– Can we say ‘cut and paste to a million different women before asking them to wire money to Uganda’?

Yung Yaiya writes:

“wow….you pics are so sexy/ beautiful/ cute/ voluptuous / coquettish/ highly-sexed /…..or ……i guess u get the picture, but i would like to be ya friend…names yiaya….add me ma ma……”

– Wha’? Did you just call me a whore?

Michael writes:

“just wanted to say that i dig the shit out of your pics and page. I was also wondering where your people are from. My mother is full blooded ouerto rican (though dad is a cracker who robbed me of my skin color)”

– Cracker doesn’t get you any points with me even though I’m 1/2 black. CraKKKa maybe, but cracker, no.

Orlando writes:

“I do not intend to be rude, but I want to let you know that I think you are sexy. I am home alone this weekend and bored out of my mind. I am also very horny. Have you ever just spontaneously hooked up with a guy just for sex? I am very interested in you and would love to come and see you today or tonight.”

– Does my face just SCREAM whore?? I mean WHAT. THE. FUCK?

You know what? I wonder what my ass would scream.

Time for an experiment. While I never have anything as my MySpace default other than a head shot, I still get assumed to be a slut. So, I’m going to replace it with the Tramp Stamped shot for a month. And we’re going to see how many messages like this I get. Should be fun. That’ll be the next installment of The MySpace Dummy Chronicles. Until next time…

[Click for larger version]

And a quick sidebar folks, regarding my trip to BlogHer: thank you to those of you who have donated, and promised to donate so far. You are all extremely awesome and I can’t express how much it means to me. You should also go and check out what Huckdoll & Deb did for me. Because they rock hard.

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