I’m a MySpace snob. I don’t add most people and I do weekly friend deletions to weed out those who aren’t contacting me enough. I’ve deleted family members and real life friends. I don’t care – if you don’t talk to me via MySpace you won’t be on my list for long. *shrugs*
My profile is public, with the exception of a few photo albums and many blogs written there. It’s probably because of the fact that my page and my ‘Me’ photo album are public that I get so many messages. They make me laugh. They make me roll my eyes. They piss me off and they sometimes give me the vain lift I need. I’ve noticed that I get the most messages when I have this picture set as my default. Maybe I just look so gangsta with my organic headscarf that they can’t help themselves. Maybe it’s that you can see all. up. in. my nostrils. The dark under eye circles? The exposed sports bra? Who knows…
I’ll share some with you, complete, unedited and in all of their typographically erred glory.
Christopher writes:
“would love to take some pics of you will im at carolina beach for business to build up my portfolio”
You’re a liar Chris, my man. There’s not one professional picture on your profile, or mention of even the slightest interest in photography. Plus, I’m not photogenic. It takes me 50 shots to get one decent photo.
Klassic writes:
“whats good sexy how u doing im be movin to nc i wanna get to know you”
Well Klassic, that’s very nice of you. The first thing you should know is that motherfuckers that say things like ‘I’m be’ are not people that get to know more about me.
Thomas writes:
” how u doin beautiful “
I’m wonderful Thomas. Because, you know…I’m beautiful.
Pretty_Boy_Nell writes:
” dam gurl u r beautiful, who in there right mind would mess up with u? “
A dumbfuck that uses single characters to abbreviate already painfully short words when you aren’t texting while driving. That’s who.
I DO TATTOOS writes:
Subject – oh my god you got a monkey!!!
Message – yo thats hot i need to know you i want you to calll me one day so i can talk to you *10-***-**00
Not my monkey. And I wouldn’t beat yours so there’s no reason for you to want me to call you. Plus, when a man says ‘OMG’ to me he’s usually waving his hands around and wearing lip gloss.
Alex writes:
” hello how r u today? seen ur pics like them “
I’m good Alex. Thanks for asking. I seen ur pics too. Your forehead looks oily – you might want to try some blotting cloths.
Frankie writes:
” hey whuz up”
‘the fuck, Frankie?
Jack writes:
” i love that smile of yours gorgeous “
Thank you.
Todd writes:
Subject – “lets talk sometimes”
Message – “if not oh well i tried to talk to you sad face”
You’re an idiot, dude.
Jarvis writes:
” PRINCESS U R SO BEAUTIFUL I’M JARVIS NICE TO MEET CHA “
You haven’t met me Jarvis. You never will. Wanna know why?->>
TONE writes:
“ are u really married?“
That’s what it says on my profile.
Thatswuzzup writes:
Subject – “so you’re a rapper”
[READ: A bit of back story for you guys - my headline on my MySpace profile is 'My rhymes are so potent that in this small segment I made all of the ladies in the front two rows pregnant.' That is a line from a Flight of the Conchords show that I saw when they performed Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros. I'm no rapper.]
Message – “Well you r fine as hell also. Check out my baby brother in the top left hand corner of my friends sec. He wrote the hook for lean back. Hit me up, would like to hear what you got. “
REALLY? Lean Back? By Fat Joe? You mean your brother’s behind that completely out of this world lyrical phenomenon:
“…Said my niggas don’t dance,
we just pull up our pants and,
Do the Roc-away.
Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back.
I said my niggas don’t dance,
See we just pull up our pants and,
Do the Roc-away.
Now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back.”
Oh fuck! It takes one hell of a creative mind to come up with that shit, please believe it. Let me start compiling my songs and get my freak’um dress on because I know I’ll have to give up some ass to work with such a mastermind! *rolls eyes*
It ain’t what you know! It’s who you know! writes:
“Hey whats up. i just wanted to say that “You are very Beautiful”. i saw that pic and i had to say something…… you have beautiful eyes….. I like that hair style on you it looks very gorgeous.
Anyhow, i just wanted to say what up, id like to comment your pics if i can have the honor of adding you…. id appreciate it.
Well, i dont just wanna comment pics, id like to shoot you some mail…….
It goes both ways,…..
Anyhow, did u have a good Valentines day sweaty…. i hope so,
Well, have a great day today and i look forward to hearing from you
be safe and take care…
Avery”
You’re very sweet Avery. But I already have an Avery in my life. And did you just call me sweaty? ‘The fuck? [Kimmlyn has a great eye - I'd forgotten that he called me sweaty.]
It ain’t what you know! It’s who you know! [again, yes] writes:
” Your a very gorgeous lady……. that smile is worth a million words….. “
Thank you Avery. You can go away now.
Play WIT MY DICK NOT MY EMOTIONS(Mr. They Hate Me) writes:
“was good boo u looking real sexy neways i was wondering wat ur name was n r u single im lamar i stay in jville neways holla back let me kno sumtin ight”
You wanna know something? I can see why they hate you. Go play with your dick. And it’s ‘aiight’ not ‘ight’. Get it right.
There are more. But you get the gist of it, eh?
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You have just cemented my resolve to stay the hell off of MySpace. Facebook is bad enough..,
Although, the idiots do make for comedic blog posts. Wink, wink.
Hahah I totally love myspace and have never received any comments like that, except spam, those sounds like real folk.. how incredibly gay..LOL
OMG! I am laughing my ass off here in my freezing house! Not at what the sleezeballs said, but at your comebacks! I SO would love to hang out with you one night! LOL!
What a bunch of losers! But your commentary is hilarious!!
That dude Avery said “Anyhow, did u have a good Valentines day sweaty…. “
SWEATY. Classic.
Oh, awesome! I love the way your mind works. Although you did just make me a bit more scared of MySpace than I already was!
I have a myspace account and I never log on. seriously, I just can’t be bothered AND I’m totally sick of being spammed and having stupid macy’s gift card comments posted by accident. At this point I only log on to clean the shit off of my profile.
Anyways, I’ve gotten some creeps send me messages but none were as funny as the creeps who message you! My creeps were just…well…creepy!
So you’re a sweaty rapper. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Creepy morons never try to hit on me . . . what am I doing wrong???
Remind me to never mess with you…. that was hilarious!
i love you…you are so awesome!! i don’t do myspace…it’s a scary, scary place…kinda. i’m too old to fuck with it…i’ll stick to cre8buzz and facebook!!
xoxo
I almost crapped myself when I read what Avery wrote. Here I was thinking ‘I don’t remember writing that.’ Yep, quick one. That’s me!
These were too funny! I never get creepy pervs on my Myspace page. Kinda glad about that, too.
Hey, thanks for the linky love, sweaty. I mean sweetie. LOL!
Oh man. People on Myspace haha.
*snickers* That was great! And it reminds me again why my page is private! Thanks for putting me in a better mood before heading back to work!
You got some real suave admirers there! I just get the “FREE RINGTONES” messages. I guess you’re cooler than me. ;)
Blotting cloths! I was laughing so hard my kid started laughing. (I think he does that in hopes that I’m not laughing AT him.)
Why don’t you just swing over for a weekend visit, and we’ll sit at a busy bar and mock our fellow customers? Or maybe the Mall of America — there’s plenty of material there.
I needed a laugh to get my ass moving today, so came back to re-read this hilarious post! Thanks! I feel better now!
When ya get the chance, stop by Real World Mom and pick up your Excellent Blog Award! :-)
Maria – OMG, those r 2 kewl!
Just kidding with the texts/leet speak – but seriously, those are hysterical. Crash and burn boys, crash and burn. You should include that on your profile – let them know you’re up for some entertaining, and you’ll give them their 5 minutes of shame through public humiliation.
“Sweaty” had me laughing out loud at my desk at work. Thanks!
Those are great! I ned to post some of mine sometime..oh wait- I delete all that shit!
Sweaty- yeah, I didn’t see it either! I had to go back & reread! Leave it to Kim to see it!
I’m still laughing, Maria! Awesome post!
Hugs!
O, but don’t be dissin’ Lean Back! That is bes my favrit song, ight?! *lmao*
And this is why I deleted my MySpace account.
I have a Myspace account, but I honestly don’t know where it is. I’m kinda glad and kinda disappointed after reading those messages.
Ha ha! This is why my daughter will never have a computer in her room.
Sweaty? Nice.
I don’t do MySpace, but I’m gathering that it’s punctuation optional . . .
I’ve never been on Myspace but I’m thinking I might want to use it as a model for my students on what not to do with the English language. Geez!!
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