Abnegation.

by Maria on June 12, 2008

in Catharsis,Mothering,Self,The Bella

I watch them play, oblivious to the ways in which their lives are evolving. They have conversations, and they have wonderful manners, never forgetting to say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ for passing the purple gorilla. I take pride in how I taught them those things – that they are the way they are, in all of the ways they are because of me. M.E.

I refuse to give The Bella more cheesecake before bed and she cries, for the first time ever throwing herself down and whining ‘I want my daddy!’ into her hands. I say nothing, but think all kinds of things. I’m glad she can’t see me in the dark, biting my lip and fighting off tears.

I don’t hear about daddy again after that.

She draws dozens of family portraits. He’s not in any of them. I wonder why, but I don’t ask.

In bed one morning Goobie wraps her little arm around my neck and strokes my shoulder. She looks up into my face and says “Mommy?” I answer with a ‘hmm’. “I love you.” she says. It’s the first time in her 2 1/2 year existence that she’s told me without prompting. I tell her I love her too and kiss her forehead, and she tries to fit both her arms around my neck and squeezes.

They tell me Happy Mother’s Day. Because The Bella is so literal that when she heard my mother say that ‘every day is Mother’s Day’ on the actual day, she believed it, and has not forgotten to say it every day since. Goobie, in her ectypal stage, follows suit. They give me pictures and foam flowers on strings. The Bella tells me I’m the best, most beautiful mother/cooker/laundry folder/cleaner uper/hair doer/hugger/kisser/helper ever.

I know I’m projecting. I have to be. For them to both having stepped up on the love, the affection, the sweet words – they must realize something is wrong, whether or not they realize how much if affects them.

Positivity is not something I’ve ever been good at. I find it hard to abandon cynicism and expect anything more than the bare minimum from people. That glass *is* 1/2 empty, thank you very much. Yet, they are my positivity, personified and duplicated.

It’s impossible to wallow. It’s impossible to let the situation consume me. Not after looking into those sparkling black brown eyes that are just like mine and seeing the hope and love and joy brimming. No matter what happens, they will keep me happy. You try seeing those faces and staying funereal.

together 4 1 Abnegation.


{ 47 comments }

Well, personally…

by Maria on June 11, 2008

in blogging

I tried to think of something different for my 100th post. I’ve already done 100 things about me in two parts. Months ago. So I thought I’d do 100 blog/computer/internet related things. I have decided to set in place new standards and obligations for myself. I’ve discovered some pretty awesome software that I’d like to share with others. And of course, there’s lots of things for me to bitch about. So embark with me on this journey into the online life of Maria Young. Oh, and I’m splitting it into a few different posts. Today’s is…

10 Things: Blogging:

[I ask that if you only read one part of this long ass entry, that you make it number 5. Which could have been an entry of it's own now that I think about it...]

1. I had 95 blogs in my Google Reader before I started this post.

2. That was too many, so I whittled it down. Now there are 20. Still a lot, not as many. My blogroll will stay the same, and still may grow, so that I can check in on those I’ve unsubscribed from when I can. No, I’m not going to tell you if you’re still in it, but you should be able to tell if I still rarely miss a post of yours. I was tired of being overwhelmed at the number of unread entries in my reader every morning – the internet is not that serious.

3. That being said, I’m still on the lookout for new blogs to read.

4. I’m changing my comment policy. Following in the footsteps of Huckdoll, from now on, I’m going to work around a You Comment, I Follow type of thing. Of course there are some of you that aren’t going to be getting rid of me that easily, but it’s a start. I’ve been so obsessed with reading everything written by everyone on my blogroll that I get burned out before I’m able to return the comments of those who’ve left them for me. I have since realized that they are the most important blogs I should be visiting.

5. Kelley brought this up in a Plurk the other day, and I told her I was going to blog about it. Like to hear it? Here it go. I think that it’s common courtesy if someone is consistently commenting your blog, to pay them a return visit, reply to a comment by email, something – acknowledge that they care enough about your crappy little piece of the blogosphere to take the time to say something. Out of the millions of blogs on the internet – they bestowed YOU with the great honor of having them as a reader, and commentator. The very, very least you can do is show some fucking gratitude.

Now I don’t mean respond to every comment, or comment their blog as often as they do you, but I mean hell: 1 comment from you for every 5 or even 10 of theirs? Is that too much to ask? No. Are they not your type of person/blog? You have nothing to say about their latest entry? Well there are such things as Archives. People do have ‘about me’ pages. There is something, somewhere, for you to comment on. Find it, unless you really don’t give a shit.

Saying that you read, even if you don’t comment? Umm… same thing as not even looking @ their blog. How are they supposed to know you came by? Statcounter isn’t always accurate dude, and not everyone checks that fucking thing 24/7/365. So by all means: ignore them. They’ll either abandon you for someone sexier and more polite, or they’ll lurk in the shadows, and is that really what you want? Don’t lie. Blogging is the epitome of narcissism and if you have comments enabled you know you want some. Fucking poseur.

I personally have felt snubbed by bloggers before, when I’ve religiously commented their posts [never, ever for hits, but because I wanted to make my opinion about their latest post known]. There was one person in particular, who I commented on frequently, but never returned the visit. Once, she wrote a post on a certain topic and I disagreed with her stance. I commented and told her my point of view. And when I checked back, she had responded back to every ass-sucking comment she had gotten [there were like 3] except mine. I realized, she didn’t appreciate me coming around. So I stopped. And I made up mind then and there – I’m not going to do that again. I’m going to focus my energy on people that want me around. If I’m a commentator and you never come by my blog, I’m going to put you in the same category as that one girl and assume you don’t like me either. I’ll stop wasting my time and yours. No harm, no foul.

6. I’ve decided that ‘Dance, Dance’ will be an every Friday thing [starting next Friday] until I run out of things to say about the experience. Some of you may have realized that I blog pretty sparingly on the weekends anyway, so this serves two purposes: you always know when you expect it, and you will usually have a longer opportunity to read it before it gets buried beneath other entries. Also, if you have Password #1 – the one that begins with the letter ‘K’, you still need to fill out the 2nd form on the password request page and get the one that will give you access to these, and begins with the letter ‘F’. Sorry to make it complicated for you, but this is not something I can just put out there for anyone to read. If I ever get a book/movie deal or whatever, I promise I’ll unprotect them.

7. I was spending too much time doing this. Replying to comments, checking my email for comments, writing entries, thinking of what to write for my next entry, visiting other blogs, obsessing over my reader. Too much time. So I’m whittling down my bloggy internet time to mostly after bedtime, which is @ 7pm. This thing will not consume me. I mean I love it, which was why it was so easy to become engulfed in it, but I have other shit to handle. I don’t understand why bloggin has to get all tied up and connected with that.

8. I haven’t read a book since October. That’s sad. That is not like me. So my new goal is to read one book, that I haven’t read before, for every blog listed in my reader, before the end of the year. Any suggestions?

9. I’m going to start running BlogHer ads in my sidebar shortly. I’m a single mom of two now, about to head back to school full time to finish what I started long ago, so I can use the extra money. Also,  knowing that I’m making even just a few dollars a month off of this thing will give me some justification for the amount of time I spend doing it. Besides the fact that I love it, I mean.

10. I want blogging to become 100% fun again. I want it to become something I love, in all aspects. Hopefully by making these changes, that can happen. Hope you stick around. :p

Next in this series: ’45 Things: My Internet Experience’

{ 62 comments }

#99 Problems

by Maria on June 7, 2008

in Miscellaneous

This is my 99th post, since I deleted the Hiatus post and put up the blocking page. I don’t have anything to say, but I updated my Prologue and Exegesis pages if you’re interested.

That is all.

{ 25 comments }

Void of debaucheries.

by Maria on June 2, 2008

in The Ex

“You’re going to San Francisco to talk about being a mommy blogger. Even though you sit on your ass 50 hours a week and don’t take care of the kids, don’t clean, don’t do anything. Tell them that you have a shitty marriage and your husband doesn’t give a shit what you do. This is what happens when you’re a mommy blogger.”

“You expect me to work all day just to support you. Maybe I’ll get another fucking job so I can make sure you’re satisfied. 60 hours a week must not be enough.”

“I don’t want to hear about this shit. I don’t give a fuck about it. You don’t give a fuck about me or us or anything else. You’ve ignored the fact that I don’t give a fuck about this just as long as you get what you want. As long as Maria gets to San Francisco, she doesn’t care about anything else.”

“I don’t give a fuck if you go to San Francisco. I don’t give a fuck if you don’t come back.”

“You’re the last mother fucker on the planet that I want to talk to.”

“I’ll tell you what: I’ll finalize this shit. I’ll call you when I have your plane ticket. Whenever that is. You’ll get your stupid fucking plane ticket. And then I won’t fucking call you again.”


Oh, what a lovely, lovely marriage I have. What a wonderful husband. Wow. 5 years on the 30th of this month. Five wonderful, beautiful, absolutely fucking blissful years with this gem of a man.


Anyone have a 12-gauge?

{ 42 comments }

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