If I weren’t my mother’s daughter, I would have seen this coming. But I am, so I didn’t.
On my way home from a shitty date with a boy who was younger and more immature than I had anticipated…..but totally hot…and with huge guns….
Sorry, I got sidetracked. So, anyway…..I’m driving home and I call my friend to tell her exactly what a failure it was. As she often does, Yajira invited me over for coffee and a chat. This was not unusual. I can’t count how many times I have stopped at her house in the evening on my way home from either work, my sister’s, or shopping and talked shit with her over café con leche. I drove the half mile out of my way and parked in the alley behind her little apartment. I went upstairs where my coffee cup awaited me.
Yajira and I have been friends for several years and while we are both social workers, we disagree on many things. The biggest being religion. Despite her crass sense of humor and her work at a local agency that is frequented by a primarily gay population…..Yajira remains true to her Catholic upbringing and will frequently spout off about those who will burn in purgatory. Including herself and most of her clients. I generally find her preaching to be comical. She generally finds my lack of belief in the trinity to be sinfully and acknowledges that, as a fellow sinner, she will see me in hell. I frequently wonder how much of that bullshit she believes. This has been the nature of our relationship for years. We agree to disagree, we joke, we drink, and we philosophize.
So as I sipped my coffee and gave her the rundown of all his faults, I was taken aback by her shift in conversation. She asked if I recalled a dinner that we had at a local restaurant several years ago. Well, of course I did. We had a blast. And?…..She divulged that she had seen someone at the restaurant who she knew and the rest of us hadn’t seen her talking to this woman. (where is this conversation going? I wondered…..are you in the mob or something??). Only one of the women at the dinner, which had been mostly co-workers, had seen the interaction. Jennifer was a real live hippie all grown up……pushing thirty, holding down a “straight” job, and still smoking pot every weekend. She was younger than both Yajira and I and particularly enthralled with Yajira. Apparently she had seen this conversation and caught the gist of it and had followed Yajira to her car and asked her about it. (At this point in the story, I’m about to scream “What?! what did she see? were you putting a hit on somebody? and what does this have to do with my shitty date?…….but I waited and listened instead.). Jennifer followed her to the car and confronted her about the conversation with the stranger and Yajira admitted that this was a woman with whom she’d had a relationship.
At this point I’m confused and in hind sight, I really shouldn’t have been. It should have clicked with me instantaneously. This was why the homophobia was prevalent in an otherwise intellectual and liberal social service worker. This was why, despite the fact that she had accomplished more than all of her siblings put together, her very religious mother displayed open disdain for her. This was the missing puzzle piece that made the picture come to life. But it took me a moment to step back and focus. To make the scenery clear.
As if my lack of insight was not already as glaring as it was, she then magnified it by telling that after that dinner and the confrontation, she had slept with our mutual friend, Jennifer. This also should have been an “a-ha!” moment……but it wasn’t. And I was still trying to incorporate this information and reconcile it with the individuals I thought I knew when I heard Yajira say something to the effect of “Well, you’re coming, aren’t you?”. I couldn’t control the slight giggle as I said bluntly, “No, hon. I don’t the time or the inclination for that”. She made another statement indicating that she was expecting me to come to her bedroom with her. Stop playing girl! you know you want to come in…… No, I really don’t. Sorry. and I left.
So now she’s not answering my calls. I didn’t intend to bring it up if she didn’t want to talk about it. I only wanted to let her know that as far as I’m concerned, this changes nothing. I have plenty of friends who are lesbians or bi. I would see this as no different. I’ve had friends who were not out before……this, to me, was no different. I had no intention of outing her to anyone, hence the rented blog…….if anything, I think that the whole thing says more about me than it does about her: that I have no gaydar. Despite having numerous friends in the lgbt community…….I only know them when they plaster it on a billboard. Gaydar Schmaydar.
**obviously, names and details have been changed. otherwise I wouldn’t have posted to someone else’s blog. duh.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I SO hear you.
So…she doesn’t still want to be your friend? Maybe she’s embarrassed that she got “shot down”?
*wink*
wow. If yall was close friends what made her think you would just go that way and why haven’t you heard from her? So many questions I have but I guess you have alot too! Great blog. My friends think I am homophobic but it doesn’t bother me as much as they think. Its your life, live it however you choose.
I agree with Angella. I think she’s embarrassed that you didn’t take her up on her offer.
Yeaahhhhh…people don’t handle rejection well. Especially people who have been rejected in many forms by the people they love (I.e. her mom, Jesus, etc)
She’ll get over that shit. And if not – well, that sucks.
Wait, was she kidding about taking you to her bedroom or she totally DID want you?
Either way, I too think she is probably embarrassed but I truly hope she calls you back.
I had a married friend, who proposed that we “get together” when her husband was being an ass (which was more often than not). I turned her down for various reasons…anyways, my guess is that she is embarrassed because she thought you’d be receptive and probably thought you already knew.
She’ll get over it, if she’s really your friend. Or…she won’t.
I dated a guy for like six months and could never figure out why he didn’t ever want to do mroe than kiss. And maybe I am not all that, but come on, he’s a guy, right? But then I found out that he was gay (after he moved away, though the poodle and the purple kitchen should have been a dead giveaway) and it all made sense. Yeh-no gaydar here. I have to agree with the others that she is probably embarrassed.
Damn. Yay I think she is just embarrassed. She’s probably had a crush on you for awhile & hides behind her religion to stave off the feelings. Been there and done that. No one knows I’m gay unless I tell them.
All you can do is be her friend and be there for her when she is ready to talk.
Hmmm. There’s not much else you can do besides telling her you still want to be her friend and that YOU’RE not embarrassed, so why should she be?
It may take some time, though. And things may never be quite the same…
Good luck.
Mmmm. Yeah. Been there. Hate that you can’t fix it if she doesn’t pick up the phone though.
I think she got embarrassed that you refused the open invite. Hopefully she’ll get over it and call you. That’s not a good way to end things.
I have a pretty good gaydar, in fact I was particularly ‘enthralled’ with a girl in high school too. I kind of followed her around like a puppy, small girlie crush, but mostly idolization. Well she ended up being a lesbian and when she told me, I was like, ‘um, yeah. duh.’ lol!
That’s rough. I wish she’d pick up the phone.