{I Can Only Be.Me}
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I had my hair cut. I was tattooed by a super cute I think Irish guy with red hair. I got straight A’s. I stopped blogging so much and started twittering more. I kept reading everyone else, but quit trying to weasel out extra time in my days to comment.I found out that I’m not the only woman in the world that deduces exactly why celebrity men are hot. I discovered Supernatural. I battled an addiction to Chester’s Flaming Hot Fries. I saw Death Cab For Cutie live and it made me respect and like them so much more. I struggled with some demons and conquered them.
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I met the most awesome-st, sweetest, best guy in the whole world who thinks I hung the moon (his words, not mine) and happens to be so cute I can barely stand it (WIN.). In less than a month it’ll be a whole year we’ve been together. We had some ups and downs, and they were all my fault (no like seriously, every single issue we’ve had, big or small, was my fault). He’s not really done one thing wrong the entire time I’ve known him and I’m pretty confident that he’ll never hurt me. It feels really good to feel like that. When you’re in a bad relationship for so long, you start to expect bullshit and harsh treatment, from everyone all of the time. It makes you bitter and defensive and just an overall pain in the ass.Well, it made me like that. In the back of my head, I knew that Joey and I would end or that it would turn ugly, and I went on my usual self destructing path and tried to sabotage it, even though I knew I didn’t want to lose it. I broke up with him at one point, pretty much convinced that I didn’t love him. Know why? Because I believed that if I loved him, I’d have the passion for him that I had for my ex. Where passion equals hatred.
I was in this…mindset. I needed sporadic friction. I needed to push and be pushed to breaking points and then build things back up (to tear them down again later). That’s how I expressed love and that’s how it was expressed to me. “Hey, let me really fuck with you, say and do some hurtful, unforgivable shit. Let me make you feel like complete crap and then let’s be okay again, because no matter how mad we make each other, we can always kiss and makeup.” What the fuck? … J. and I were really messed up. It took moving on to see that. Joey stuck by me while I worked all of that out. He believed in us, even when I didn’t, and it has made all the difference.
Anyway, yeah, I’m not like that anymore. I’m not having those inner struggles, I’m totally happy with this boy that I love and my girls love and who loves us back. But enough about Joey, I don’t want him to get a big head.
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One of the true highlights of the year was BlogHer ‘09, and not the conference. I mean the conference was wonderful, as usual, and I got to hang out with some really awesome people but the real joy was traversing all over Chicago with my makeshift band of sisters. They’re all amazing, and I can’t wait to see them again in 6 8 months.
These two are physical proof that the internet is the best place to make friends. That the relationships we form through blogging are real and just as valid and marvelous as those nurtured in person. They’re not just beautiful, but they have hearts made of gold and primrose. They helped me get through tough times with sound advice and open arms and I love them. Also, all three of us went from competing for BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EX to BEST BOYFRIEND IN THE UNIVERSE. Happily? There’s really been no clear cut winner in the latter category and probably never will be. I’m jealous that they live much closer to each other than they probably ever will to me, but you know. It’s ok. Makes me more special since I’m seen so much less. Heh.
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My baby started school ohmygod and she’s doing wonderfully. She loves it. My other baby stopped sucking her thumb, simply because I told her to which I hear is pretty awesome. They grew and flourished and turned 6 and 4 years old. They challenged me and made me a better person, again and again. They showed how resilient they are, how smart and calculated they can be. They made strides towards becoming the young women I hope they will be, tough and beautiful and intelligent and loving. For the first time we celebrated holidays and birthdays a new family, and they didn’t miss a beat.
They also have like THE best fashion sense in the world – especially The Bella. That girl can throw together an outfit. Did you know she wants to be a dentist that moonlights as a clothing or interior designer? She’s currently drawing designs for her new t-shirt collection as I type. Seems like a unique aspiration for a Kindergartner, and I completely support it. Goobie wants to be a Dr. Princess, which is totally average, but still totally awesome.
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So yeah, my year was wonderful. Except I gained 15 pounds. Small price to pay for bliss, I guess. How was yours?
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Listening to: James Morrison – If The Rain Must Fall
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“are you and joey back together?
“what’s going on with you and joey?”
“what’s going to happen with you and joey?”
“how are you and joey doing?”
“what’s up with you and your boyfriend?”
Those are real questions that I’ve received over just the last week. My answer to all of these questions is this:
“None of your business.”
It may sound harsh but it’s the only answer I feel like giving. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have exposed my relationship with him so much. That is to say that while cardboard love would still be up and running, there would be no links on the about page to our blogs, it would be a pretty well kept secret of who the artist and the muse were. I can’t take it back though, and most of the time I don’t mind really: I’ve met some beautiful people and read some beautiful things because of it.
I understand, and I appreciate, that people are invested in our relationship, but I’d much rather they took more interest in their own love lives. It stifles my openness to know that there are people out there, reading my words, looking at my pictures, and dissecting all of it. Trying to find hidden meanings, different interpretations. It makes me want to shut everyone out and not blog about being in or out of love at all.
I think after I have everything sorted out, in my head – not necessarily meaning with he and I – that I’ll be fine writing about it all. Whatever ‘it’ is. I am a complicated person. My life, my relationships are so much more complex than anyone online knows. Hard to believe, but I don’t write about everything here. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, which I don’t.
I have a pretty good idea what the future will hold for Joey and I. But I’m not willing to prance it out for the rest of the world. Not right now at least.
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Joey and I are still broken up, yes. There are no plans to get back together. But we’re still very much involved in each other’s lives and close. We love each other, you know?
Joey has an ex girlfriend that I do not care for. I won’t say her name, in order to protect her from any potential google searches. I’ll call her Tinkerbell. Only because currently on television there’s a commercial for a Tinkerbell toy.
She bugged Joey about me in the very beginning when he mentioned me on Facebook or something, I can’t really recall. But she made it clear to him that she wasn’t exactly happy that he was involved with someone else. I don’t know much about their relationship, only that he didn’t care for her much.
Since she found out we broke up last week (probably from stalking me online) she’s been bugging Joey again. From offering to send him naked photos of herself to telling him that he and I don’t really love each other, she’s been desperately shoving herself at him for attention.
I tweeted to her this morning “I’m going to need for you to stay the fuck out of my business. Thank you. VERY MUCH.” Hopefully she gets my drift. But since she told Joey that she reads my blog(s), I’d like to say this to her here, in case she misses the tweet or something:
Tinkerbell,
You know nothing of my relationship with Joey so stop judging it. Definitely do not pretend that you know me, and try to speak for me or interpret anything you’ve seen written here as something more or less. I am not a very nice person, but I don’t have any interest in being not nice to you. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me – we should keep it that way. Joey is not my boyfriend anymore, so I had nothing to do with him blocking you on the various platforms you used to contact him, but I must admit that I’m glad he did – I don’t like it when people upset him. I hate that I did it myself, as much as I did. I hope you’ll just eject yourself from his life and by osmosis, mine.
- María.
I’ve never really dealt with an ex girlfriend before. I mean, I’ve never really dealt with an actual breakup before since my ex husband and I had very separate lives anyway. This is all weird, I have to deal with her even though she’s just an ex girlfriend of an ex boyfriend. But, he is my friend and this involves me whether I like it or not so there’s a first time for everything, I guess.
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