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Highly Combustible.

by Maria on February 12, 2008

in Catharsis, The Ex

I’m no longer facing those assault charges.
So gather ’round and hear the tale of: The Girl who almost lost everything she holds dear because she couldn’t keep her hands to herself: A lesson in Turning the Other Cheek.

J. and I have never gotten along well. Even before we were married our relationship was volatile and tumultuous, always either the consummate love or the epitome of divorce validity. We’ve spent the majority of our marriage living in separate houses and I credit the fact that we’re approaching our 5 year anniversary to that.

I have a temper problem. A very serious one that I recognize. The only ones who are immune to my anger issues are… well… everyone but J. Before him I would blow up on anyone and everyone that rubbed me the wrong way. Since I’ve been with him I’ve discovered that he makes an awesome target for bitchiness and unwarranted anger. So whilst everyone else around me believes that I’m a complete sweetheart and one of the nicest, compassionate and civilized persons that you could know [READ: yes - they all think that. If they don't they know what's coming to them.] J. sees me for what I truly am – a temperamental fucktard who shuts down or blows up without merit or warning.

Now is this because he pushes every single button I have? Probably.
Is it because he does and says things that are purposefully hurtful quite frequently during his own temper tantrums? I think so.
Does it stem from the years of hostility I harbor towards him for the past? Yup.

———————-

That Saturday night he was washing soot off of the walls and ceiling from a kitchen catastrophe that I’d had a few weeks prior. The more he cleaned, the more aggravated he became at my mishap which, up until then, he had remained mum about. He just refused to agree to fried chicken afterwards. I saw he was becoming anxious and I left him alone. I wasn’t going to help so I settled down in the bed with The L Word. The girls were on the couch watching Help! and eating Goldfish.

He called for me. I came. He gave me the blinds that he had taken down. I wasn’t going to clean them right then and I said so – it was already dark and I was not going to start washing off individual blinds in the bathtub that I had scrubbed the previous day; not that late. That was his cue to start bitching. The oldest housewife/s@hm vs. working husband argument in the book – “You don’t do anything. You sit here all day. I work. You don’t. You don’t do this. This is always like this. I’m tired of walking into this.” At that point I told him he could do every fucking thing himself since I didn’t do anything ever in the history things or ever. He could work all day and clean all night and care for them and make dinner and comment on all my blog subscriptions and keep up with my DVR recordings and whatever else it was that I didn’t do. I left. Determined not to argue anymore.

I hear The Bella go into the kitchen. I hear him tell her to leave. I hear her say that she wants water.

J – “Tell your mother to get it.”
 B – “I already have some in my glass.”
J – “Tell your mother to get you some water, I’m cleaning up her mess.”
 B – [stomping, perceiving being misunderstood] “I already have some!”
J – [Yelling] “Get OUT!!”

The Bella comes running into my room and whines that daddy won’t let her get her water and that he wants me to do it. I tell her, loud enough for him to hear to just go in and get her glass and drink it in the living room. She goes back.

B – “Mommy said I could get my glass.”
J – “GET OUT! TELL HER TO COME GET YOU WATER!”

At this I pop up and I’m fucking livid. Don’t yell at my child. Only *I* can yell @ my child. Yeah, because she’s just *my* child and not anyone else’s – sperm or no. <–That complex stems from raising her in a house different from her father’s from the time she was 13 months old and enduring all the woes of a single mother.

I storm into the kitchen and ask him what the fuck his problem is. He starts rambling off about how he’s cleaning with bleach and it’s on the ceiling and the floor and might get on her – even though he’s on the opposite side of the kitchen from where her water is. I bring this to his attention amidst a slew of profanity and personal jabs and he retorts with “Well you obviously don’t care about her health because you don’t even clean the dishes well…”

At this point I’m fuming. I’ve mentioned that my ears get hot when I’m angry. Well those big fuckers felt like red coals on the sides of my head about to set my hair on fire and send me screaming like Michael Jackson filming his Pepsi commercial.

I doused him in the glass of water I was holding. The Bella’s glass. I instinctively realized that she still needed water so I went into the refrigerator and poured her a new glass, handing it to her.

He kept throwing out his insults. He smirked at me and I saw in his eyes that he was getting a great enjoyment in how angry I was. I threw the bottle of Coke I had grabbed when pouring The Bella’s water at him. He continued his malevolent tirade and after he called me a fat ass for the third time I couldn’t stand the ignominy anymore so I started to hit him. It felt good to hit him. I kept hitting him.

I pulled him down from the ladder he was on and hit him more. He shielded his head and face from my blows, which aren’t light and are always well placed as I used to box. He tried to get away from me – but there was no stopping me – I kept coming. He said ‘Get away from me Maria‘ in a tone that obviously meant ‘I’m about to hit you back‘ and I really fractured. I took it as a challenge and if there is one thing I don’t realize – it’s fear. If it’s not a waterbug or a bridge – I’m not afraid of it. I’ve certainly never been afraid of a person. I stepped back, rocking and bouncing from foot to foot, hitching my pants up and daring him to hit me.

I told him that I wanted him to. That I was going to fuck his life up permanently and he had no idea how much of a devil I’d be. That I was the wrong person to piss off. That we were done and I was taking them – he could expect a child support suit within the next week and a custody suit after that. That I wasn’t afraid anymore and that him suing me for custody last time was a good thing because it made me secure in the fact that I didn’t have to worry about losing them to him [READ: long story there too]. I yelled more. Too much to remember.

He started to leave. I kept hitting him. He turned his back to me put his hands on the door, hanging his head low. I reached beneath his arm and uppercut him the best I could from behind, landing my fist in the soft cartilage of his nose. The blood splattered everywhere, all over the door and walls. He opened the door and I started to yell for him to get the fuck out of my house. I saw my neighbor outside across the street so I stopped hitting and started pushing. I was composed enough to know I didn’t need witnesses.

J. wiped at his nose which was streaming blood down his face and looked at me with pure malice. He forced his way back in and grabbed his phone and the car keys. I told him that if he left in my car I’d call the police because he doesn’t have a license, bluffing. I closed and locked to door behind him.

For some reason, I went to the kitchen and grabbed the towel he had been cleaning with, went back to the living room and cleaned up every drop of his blood. I ignored the Coke and water splashed everywhere in the kitchen – just the blood. That would work to my advantage later, although I didn’t fathom at the time that he was outside calling 911 on me. The Bella looked at me and said “That was worse than the last fight you had!” and I realize that they were witnesses to all of it. Pangs of stupidity and remorse and guilt hit me, but still only for them – not him. I cried. From anger. At him and at myself. Goobie hugged my knee and kissed it, babbling baby comforts of “D’okay mommy, okay.”

There’s a knock on the door. Two officers stand on my porch – one uniformed and one in plainclothes. Jason stands at the end of the driveway with more cops and our neighbor.

Uniformed Officer – “Can I talk to you, Mrs. Young?”
Me – “Sure.”

They come in and look around. I can tell they are looking for signs of a struggle. There aren’t any – the house is intact.

Officer – “What happened here?”
Me – “What are you talking about?”
Officer – “How’d your husband get that bloody nose?”
Me – “What bloody nose?”
Officer – “His nose is bleeding pretty bad out there.”
Me – “Maybe he walked into a wall or a tree.”
Officer – [Rolling his eyes] “Okay ma’am, I’m gonna need you to be upfront with me and tell me what happened here.”
Me – “We argued and I made him leave.”

I’m not stupid. In NC, if you are accused of domestic assault, you are going to jail. Whether you admit or deny it – you’re going. I wasn’t admitting to shit that could affect me negatively later. I knew what was going to happen.

Officer – “Did he hit you?”
Me – “No.”
Officer – “Are you sure, I need to know if he put his hands on you.”
Me – “No, not tonight. In the past yes, but not tonight.”
Officer – “Well what happened? I need to know how he got that bloody nose.”
Me - “I said I don’t know. Maybe he did it to himself. We argued in the kitchen and then he was leaving but started to come back in so I started to push him out and then I closed the door, that was it. I didn’t hit him.” [hiding my purple, throbbing and rapidly swelling hands]
Officer – “Alright, I’m gonna go talk to him for a minute and I’ll be right back.”

He leaves and I stand watching at the door. I hear him tell J. that I denied everything and ask him if he wants to press charges. J. says loudly “Yes. If she had just said what she had done I would say no but if she’s going to lie about it then yes.” I roll my eyes. Obviously idiot-box doesn’t realize that I’m going away in that police car whether he presses charges or not because he’s injured and he’s accused me. The officer come back.

He arrests me, right there in front of my girls. I’m not allowed to say goodbye. When I last see them, Goobie is standing with her hands and faced pressed to the glass of the door watching and The Bella is standing farther back but watching just as intently with furrowed brows. I almost cry but I don’t. I won’t let anyone else see me cry – I never do. J. walks by me to go back into the house and keeps his eyes averted.

I went to jail. Of course I thought that the magistrate would set a bond and I’d be out that night. She didn’t. I wasn’t. It was Saturday night and I had to wait for a Monday morning bail hearing. I still didn’t cry. I thought about them, the fact that I’d never, ever been away from either of them that long.

Jail sucked. I fasted. I read. I slept. I dealt with a horrible migraine.

Monday I was given a $500 unsecured bond and released. My friend, Kathy from the Playgroup Fiasco came to get me after I had called Jeanie, who was at work, and Jeanie had called all of the ‘Underground Mommies’ attempting to arrange me a ride home. I called the police to assist me in getting some things.

They called J. and he was sitting in a lawyer’s office – a lawyer who said that they didn’t want me anywhere near the house, J. or the kids. And they were in the process of filing paperwork to make it so. I eventually received my things, but days later; days of borrowing clothing and toiletries from Andie [also a pseudonym from the playgroup blogs], days of being embarrassed and angry that I’d hoped he’d welcome me home after putting me in jail for 2 days..

That week was hell. I couldn’t see or talk to my babies. I didn’t know what he had told them, what they thought, where they were… But I got them back. I stuck to my ‘I didn’t do anything’ story from start to finish.

It finished yesterday when the charges were voluntarily dismissed by the district attorney, at the request of J., my lawyer and my arresting officer. Yes, the cop that arrested me came to court and talked the D.A. privately on my behalf. I probably forgot to mention that I worked as much magic as I could in the back of that police car that night. He really believed by the time he turned me over to the sheriff that night that J. had probably made his own nose bleed. He also told me in court that I looked nice but you know, every time he’d seen me previously I looked like shit.

So. I need anger management. Badly. I’m starting soon.
We’re also in marriage counseling. We’ll make it work.

And now you know what happened.
And why he deserved it I did what I did, justifiable or not.
I love him. He loves me. We’ll be fine.
That’s the last time I’ll hit him.
Hopefully. As long as he never cheats.
Then he might die. I’m just sayin’…

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Playgroup Escamotage…

by Maria on February 3, 2008

in Catharsis, Comical, Self

Well! Seems as if the ol’ Blogo got me into some trouble this week! Specifically the Playgroup Politics entry. And now, I have ‘moral mother’ [12th comment down] questioning the validity of my account of the events. Alright. Let’s delve a little deeper, with a bit more ‘proof’…

—————

First, let’s review the email that each of the ‘Underground Mommies’ received from Heather, the president of The Mommies Network:

Hello,
I am writing to discuss your account on WhatchamacalitMommies.It has come to my attention that you regularly participate in an email loop with the purpose of complaining about WM and its managers and members.

After reading some of the emails that have circulated among you, I really must wonder why you are so adamant to get your accounts back on WM? It is very clear through your emails that you disagree with the management of the site and don’t seem to really care for many of the
members.

After discovering your group, we did move your accounts to pending status until we were able to review all of the emails we had. During that time, you continued to cause problems, posting bulletins on MySpace and one of you went so far as to post Betty Sue’s phone number. It really saddens me that someone who dedicates so much time to managing one of our communities is having her privacy invaded in such a way. It is disrespectful, childish and certainly not weighing well on your case.

After reviewing countless emails, I do not understand why you would like your access to WM returned. It seems to me that you are not there looking for support and friendship, but rather to cause problems and gossip about members.

If I am somehow mistaken and you really do have the best interest of the site in mind, please feel free to email me and help me understand your emails that have been shared with me. Otherwise, I am going to suggest that Marsha formally ban your accounts.

Heather M.
President
The Mommies Network

————
Doesn’t the sound like the opinion of someone who is already biased against us? It does to me. Now, before I list my response – let’s look at just a few of the things that were posted in this ‘email loop’ – and I’m picking out the absolute worst that was said, believe me – I have no problem admitting I’m a bitch or admitting wrong doing, so there’s no reason for me to try to soften my own words. Remember how I said that Abigail went back and told someone what we said in our emails? This is the conversation regarding it – and the last time we heard from her before our accounts were suspended:

Tricia: What is the deal with telling Saya what we said? This is the place where we come to vent so we can be well adjusted in the real world. I don’t run to one of my good friends whenever Maria comes here and fusses about her (If you want to know, Maria, I’ll tell you later. But by all means, don’t censor yourself). I know they don’t know each other and what is posted in the WM site is just a part of a person. I think it is good Saya is a tree hugger. She is saving the world from people like me. But in my experience with her, she can be kind of militant in voicing her opinions. She got all over me about over running the sewer system one time when I started a thread about finding a home builder. That was my first impression of her and I have never met her in person. I am entitled to my opinion until I meet her and then it will probably change, according to people who have met her and talk about what a nice person she is.
That is why we come together in the “underground”, so that we can vent like this and get it out of our systems. I really don’t appreciate her hearing something that was in confidence and then taking swipes at us on the forum. How do you think we should rectify this?

That snake Bitch Abigail: I don’t know what you think that I told Saya, however nobody’s name here or otherwise was mentioned. We were having lunch and talking about rain barrels and the vegetable thing at Tidal Creek. I mentioned to her that she is going to turn me into a treehugger yet. She said she has been called that a lot. I laughed and said yeah a lot of people on WM think you are a treehugger as well as some others on the board. My slip sorry, but it was not tied to any comments you guys have made.
So I don’t get where you think she was taking swipes at you or anyone else.
So rectify anyway you deem necessary.

Tricia: Abigail, thanks for responding. OK, that makes sense. It was just very coincidental. I was planning on going to FFF tomorrow to meet her, since many people have mentioned her in the past and said she was a nice person. If I go to FFF, is Saya going to smack me? Because apparently, that is what people I piss off do, go to FFF to smack me. So is she pissed? Should I be prepared? I am trying to surround myself by nice people so I can improve my image. Hence, my vote to include you in the Circle of Trust. Because the rest of these bitches is bitches. Except you and Andie. But y’all know the rest of you are. I will rectify this situation by putting you on probation for the next 13 minutes. You’ve been served.

Kathy: I also thought the posts were indirectly meant for us; I am glad (for her sake AND ours) to hear it was a coincidence. I met Saya at the park once and at the aquarium, both times briefly, and she was lovely. I’ve also interpreted many of Saya’s posts as opinionated, but we should all be so strong in our convictions, eh? We are also entitled to our opinions, whether they be about people or trees ;) so let’s not censor the underground just yet. We sure are bitches, but I think many WM-related things more than justify it! And I bet we’ll convert Andie and Abigail…
Maria: I haven’t met her either – but I agree with Tricia – I also have that impression of her. A bitch basically, but I’ve been wrong and I hope I am. I could easily show my true colors but I don’t because I know it’s not that type of board – it’s supposed to be welcoming and friendly, it’s not the place to debate or call people out. PMs if you feel that you have to. You can be opinionated somewhere else. That’s what Myspace groups and blogs are for – seriously. Who do I bitch about Tricia? I ranted about Jan’s inability to see facts I know…but she’s my friend too and it’s nothing I haven’t said to her face [maybe nicer though. *lol*] If it’s not here, tell me because I really don’t remember – I guess that shows how much that situation means to me. *lol*

Kathy: I’m pretty strong in my convictions as well. Now let the games begin…

Tricia: No, it was Jan. I just didn’t know if you knew I hung out with her sometimes and I didn’t want you to worry I was selling you out. I agree that she is hippy dippy, and I tell her to her face, too. It’s all good. I always attract hippies and earth mothers. It’s funny. I used to be them before I got married. I like having those kind of people around me because they keep me in a whimsical, idealistic place. I miss that as I grow older and more cynical.

———–

I didn’t think any of that was too bad, did you? So I responded to Heather’s accusations:

While I’m not even sure how much good this email is going to do, based on the accusatory tone of the response we received from you Heather, I feel it is imperative for me to defend myself and my friends from your allegations. It seems that you have already been biased to the apparent plight of Wilmington Mommies management and have decided our fate without being diplomatic or democratic about it. This entire message might be a waste of time thusly, but I will still attempt to give you insight into how I personally feel regarding this entire situation.

First of all, none of us, that is to say not one of us, has ever harassed any member of Whatchamacalit Mommies. If you would take the time and advantage of the opportunity to visit each of our profiles and click the link to ‘Find all Posts’, you will not find a single malicious or uncivil post in our histories. All of us are friendly, supportive and caring to each and every individual on that board and I take great offense at your allegation towards our sole purpose of membership. The only post that I have ever had deleted was one regarding Homebirth where I said that I found ‘unassisted homebirths to be irresponsible’ and in that same post I said that if that comment was found ‘to be negative it could be edited or deleted as the moderator saw fit’. That was one message out of over six hundred, so my track record clearly shows that I am an asset to that board, as are all of us.

Second, I am very concerned at the methods you used to obtain our emails. They were private; not meant for the eyes of anyone at Whatchamacalit Mommies or The Mommies Network unless one of us granted access or permission. We didn’t, more specifically I didn’t. I find it extremely hypocritical that you can accuse us of abandoning the rules regarding privacy and etiquette when the methods to view our emails you as an organization used were just as wrongful, if not more so, than anything we ourselves might have done. In addition to saying that, I’d very much like for these ‘countless’ emails to be forwarded to me so that I would be able to overlook them and have opportunity to see what has already probably sealed my fate. I’m sure that since we are the supposed authors of them that it wouldn’t be a problem for you to provide them, as well as divulging exactly what things said were so awful. I would like for you to keep in mind though, that emails are easily edited and falsified and I admit to authoring anything until I have seen them.

Regarding what I know I have written and read: I was conversing with my friends in a private setting. Just as you Heather, I am positive, have vented to your friends about a person you didn’t like or a situation that bothered you involving a coworker, friend or relative: I did the same. I will not be made feel a bad person or anything to the similar for doing so.

Thirdly, it’s very disconcerting to see that you will overlook the fact that one of your appointed members of management threatened to physically harm one of the members of the board and take a host of supposedly ‘mean’ emails more seriously. To know that Betty Sue not only was not required to relinquish her status as a person of power on the boards, but that she wasn’t even reprimanded or given a warning over it is absolutely ridiculous on your part.

I thoroughly enjoy the interaction that I have both online and in person with the members of Whatchamacalit Mommies. I have developed wonderful friendships and a great support system with many of those women, as have my children with theirs. I do not feel that in order for me to want to remain a part of this board that I should have to be friends or think positively of every single member. The disdain that Betty Sue and Reeses have for some of us is obvious, but since it does not affect the tone of or our participation on the boards – it is gladly overlooked. Why it does not extend to those of us who don’t have administrative duties I do not know but am extremely curious.

I want to remain a part of Whatchamacalit Mommies for the sake of the members that have nothing to do with this but that I am fond of, and for the potential members that have yet to join and I would love to meet. Contrary to your false assumption, I have nothing but the best intentions with continuing my membership, just as I had in the very beginning when I requested it. That is not to say that our ‘email loop’ will disband. I am free to say what I want to whomever I chose on my own time, as long as it does not directly affect The Mommies Network, just as anyone else has that ability. The board will not impugn on my rights and privileges to be a person separate from ‘Maria0305′. I can still be a very active and resourceful member of the forums without having any direct or even indirect interaction with those women whom I do not like, as I have been doing already.

We are very interested in having a face to face, sit down meeting with Marcia, Betty Sue, Reeses, and whomever else is involved to discuss this, as warranted emotion and thought can be lost in the context of emails. No matter what the final outcome, I think we all deserve an opportunity to clear our names and conscious.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my email, and hope that you were able to take in the information that I presented to you with an open mind.

Maria Y.

And she sent me this:

Maria,
I am not an unfair person. I have read every single email that has been sent to me regarding this situation and have made my decisions based upon the sum of facts that I have received. In fact, I have spent the last two days working on this situation — I am doing everything I can to be fair and make decisions based on the information presented to me.

The “methods” that I used to gain your emails were not methods at all. A person who received the emails from you forwarded them to me. As they were emails directed to her and did not contain a notice to not forward them, she did not break any rules. She was concerned about the Whatchamacalit Mommies community and felt that the admins and the board of directors should know about your group.

There is a difference between venting among friends and discussing plans to cause problems on WM. I am currently reading through the information I have to determine who has just been venting and who has been doing more than that.

I would like an additional day to review my notes before I respond to you regarding my recommendations.

Thanks
Heather

———

So I wrote my blog. And that covered the basic details of what lead up to this. And since Heather had deleted my three friends for no reason other than they had not been as nice to her in their reply emails as I was, I had no intention of returning to WM.

Then, I received this:

Hi Maria,
I was looking forward to writing to you tonight and letting you know that your membership to Whatchamacalitmommies would be reinstated.

However, I have had the pleasure of reading your blog tonight and decided that perhaps you really didn’t want to be reinstated after all.

I will let Marcia know of my recommendation to ban your account.

Heather

And, as I said I would at the bottom of that entry, I responded with “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” I’m guessing Heather didn’t see the humor in that statement because she replied twice:

Yeah, except you left “The Mommies Network” in your blog… so you can’t really say that :)

and

“We were pissed. And we sent emails back. And we were replied to by the president of The Mommies Network, who was extremely bitchy and condescending towards us. And yesterday, she banned Jeanie, Kerry and Kathy permanently. She requested another day to ponder her notes before passing down judgment on Tricia, Andie, and I. Heh.”

Signed,
The President of the Mommies Network

————-

This literally made me laugh out loud. I mean I had tears in my eyes at the stupidity of this woman. And isn’t it obvious that she took offense to that particular statement – and that was why she’d decided to ban me? Initially I wasn’t going to respond, but I just had to! I mean I HAD to!!

Were you under the impression that I was actually denying it? *lol* No.
 I left The Mommies Network in tact for a reason, just as the link to the ‘Google Search’ shows a big fat portal to Whatchamacalit Mommies @ the top.

Whatever would make you think that I would’ve accepted your invitation back? Seeing that you banned my friends who did no more or less than I [except Andie who did nothing at all] and that you would have reinstated me shows me that we were right along and you are biased and a bitch. You did not look @ this impartially. You looked @ the emails to you and if you felt disrespected – fuck the facts – you banned them. That shows an inability to be an effective leader or president of anything. You are no better than Betty Sue, who I would have loved to see actually make good on her threat to Tricia because that outcome would have been a sight to behold!

Don’t give me any crap about showing true characteristics or intentions in our correspondence with you either – you’re damn right we’re fake on WhatchamacalitMommies because as I said in one of those notorious emails while condemning Saya for being an overly opinionated bitch in the forums -

“I could easily show my true colors but I don’t because I know it’s not that type of board – it’s supposed to be welcoming and friendly, it’s not the place to debate or call people out. PMs if you feel that you have to. You can be opinionated somewhere else. That’s what Myspace groups and blogs are for – seriously.”

I know what battles are worth fighting. Which is probably why I’m done battling you and your network.
No one here was meritoriously prosecuted – your decisions were all based on feeling and ego. As were the decisions of Whatchamacalit Mommies Management – Marcia maybe not included but still just as much to blame as anyone elsme4 Playgroup Escamotage...e. I will thank you, and them, though, for the opportunity to meet an amazing group of women, have my girls interact with some truly great children, and for helping me make my move back to Wilmington so much more easy to bear.

On my MySpace page Heather, which I’m sure you’ve viewed in your internet based predatory efforts – my default picture is just for you. Well, maybe not just you because Abigail sure can shove it up her ass as well, but at this moment – you have it all to yourself.

Have a fabulous day!

Maria Y.

——————–

And that was the end of it. Hopefully it wasn’t too confusing to those of you who aren’t involved. Hopefully, even if you don’t get it or don’t agree with me – it was at least a good read. Long as hell, I know, but good at least.

Hopefully, Moral Mother, you’ve got a bit more information. If you stop being a pussy and post via your real name or maybe even email me – [maria0305@gmail.com] – I can provide you with hard copies of all of these emails. Shit, you can come over and we can log into my account together so you can read them straight for the source! You obviously care enough to post a dumbfucked statement.

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