My younger brother is gay. Well, he’s 17, and can’t seem to make up his mind between girls and boys, but he calls himself gay so even though I’d rather call him bisexual – I’ll call him what he prefers.
I’ve always known. He and I were raised for the most part in separate houses; he with my mom and me with my grandparents, but when I saw him, and the few short periods that we lived together while we were growing up, I knew he was gay. Or that he was going to be gay. I knew from the time he was 6 years old.
So it was no surprise to me when he came out to our family last year. I was the first family member he told, months before he revealed what everyone already knew to the rest of them. No one took it well. My grandmother compared him to a pedophile. My mom told him to keep that shit away from her, and that when he graduated high school he had to leave. My uncle and grandfather basically just shake their heads at him when he passes by.
Now, in my mom’s defense – he’s a bad ass. He’s followed in my footsteps from day one and been a disciplinary pain his entire life. He’s a bit different than me though – my issues were with outsiders trying to tell me what to do. I was an everyday angel at home, but at school: they hated to see me coming. Andre is mean as fuck at home and at school. He’s lazy, disrespectful, and has a perpetual bad attitude. He’s a real pain.
So in all fairness, my mom has been done with him for years. He called her a bitch one too many times. Actually, she may have been done with him for much longer than that, being as he looks exactly like his father – a man she despises with a passion, but I don’t know – I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. Yet, she seems to be using his sexual orientation as a reason behind not having anything to do with them after he graduates.
She herself has admitted that he’s always been what she called ‘strange’, preferring pink and purple to blue and green; his cousin’s dolls to his own matchbox cars; the company of girls to boys amongst his peers. But, although she realizes that he was probably born this way, she says that it’s a choice to act on it or not, and that he could easily choose not to and thusly, not be gay.
We had a conversation while I was visiting recently: me, my grandparents, my mom and my uncle – about my brother’s sexuality. I realized fully that I was the only one there who would support him and his lifestyle. There were comments like ‘he can’t bring that around here‘, ‘I can love him from afar‘, and ‘he’s going to end up with AIDS‘. I was saddened, as I was disgusted by the place from which I came. But, I wasn’t surprised: not in the slightest.
I will be the lone person in this family to stand by him regardless of his orientation. I honestly don’t care. Not one bit. I will stand in his defense when they ridicule him and deprecate his feelings. If I was to cut off ties with him, it would be because he was too much of an asshole, not because he’s gay. I am so, so saddened for him that those who know him best and should be there for him the most are not. I hope that he develops friendships that can sustain him through life, to make up somewhat for what he may lose.
My family knows that I think their opinions are awful and I may not be able to cut them off, but I can choose who I surround myself with voluntarily. And that does not include prejudiced or homophobic people. I thoroughly despise it when people use ‘gay’ as a term to describe something negative or unsatisfactory. Like it really, really pisses me the fuck off. I give warnings – I know it’s pretty common nowadays, so I tell people that I don’t appreciate it and allow them ample opportunity to stop it around me. If they don’t – buh-bye. Fuck off. I have no room in my life for intolerance.
So, if you’re intolerant: Fuck. Off.
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How very sad for your brother. I feel that my parents have cut me off as well. Not because I’m gay, but because I took a different path than the one they expected me to take. In my opinion, it takes more strength to be who we really are than to suffer in silence while trying to be what everyone thinks we should be. I’m glad your brother has you; I’m sure he is too!
The latest from Stacey…Let’s Hear it for the Moms!
My dad’s brother (uncle) is gay and his dad (grandfather) never knew the whole time he was alive. His mom (my grandmother) made him leave the country after he graduated, to carry out his lifestyle.
So he went to Amsterdam and stayed there until his dad died and then he finally came home. It’s pretty sad that the mentality is still around oh, 30 years later. I guess some things never change….
I spent 3 years living in the gayest part of the gayest city in Canada. I had a lesbian couple on one side of me and a single, sex crazed gay male student on the other. Tolerant is a MAJOR understatement :) I would see them kiss and cuddle, hear them have sex…whatever, and I’m sure they heard me…again, who cares? They were just neighbours doing their thing, ain’t nobody getting hurt, you know?
Sadly, our friends from the suburbs would come visit and refuse to walk down Davie Street – where all the gay bars and clubs are. If they HAD to, they would put their arms around random girls in our group and jokingly cover their asses. During one drunken escapade, one of our friends started ripping advertisements for the Gay Pride Parade and yelling nasty slurs about gays – I walked home and refused to be seen with them. All of those boys lost so much of my respect while I was living downtown.
Anyway. Your brother is lucky to have you, you’re a good sister. I would feel the same way about my little bro no matter what.
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Your brother is blessed to have you in his life. In this day and age I don’t understand any sort of discrimination but simple as there is sun there will be discrimination. I feel for your brother and his journey to find his path. It is hard enough in this world to be gay and proud.. or even to be a bisexual.. but not to have the support of his own family must hurt.
Again.. he is really blessed that you will love him no matter what.. I bet he is thankfuly that too.
The latest from Kim…A Coxsackie Fork
I would have expected nothing less from you. You didn’t impress me as someone who suffered fools. It’s good your brother has you to watch his back.
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My BIL is gay, and I have a lot of homosexual friends back in New York. They have all been lucky in that they were/are surrounded by friends and family who always accepted them. And while it’s not necessary to have this, it must help.
Good for you. Does Andre know you support him? Does he thank you? I bet he does, even if he doesn’t actually say it. :)
I know some people who have finally accepted that being gay could be biological . . . “but they don’t have to act on it”. Yeah right. Go without sex, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Ridiculous.
The latest from Honeybell…The Job I Leave Off My Resume: Chapter 4
May 14, 2008 at 3:35 am
I have to agree with everyone… he is lucky to have you and your girls are lucky to have you too.
There is too much hate in this world.
I think our generation will be the one to change things around. Really, I do.
Cause, I would be happy if my son was happy. I would be happy with a gay son. Dude… think about all the stiletto advice he would give me. ;)
The latest from OHmommy…I am just not ready for this…
In my adult life, I’ve come to realize that friends generally make better family anyway. I hope he finds wonderful friends, too. They’ll change his life.
Sometimes I think having a gay son would be kind of nice. I’d never have to lose him to an evil woman, and I’d get another son if he ever got married. Win-win!
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Good.For.You.
It’s awful the way people just push someone out of their lives because of who they are… or think they can love a fraction of the person. Fucked up.
take care of him. and take care of you.
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I have a gay aunt flo. I don’t mean my period either. my period is gay, but my real Aunt Flo (mother’s sister) is gay. Intolerance is so disgusting. You are a fabulous sister. I have a fab post about my gay aunt flo, but i don’t feel like fishing it out right now. Also, what plugin are you using for the Pimp Me thing under your post? (sorry comment and ask that on such a deep post, but if i didn’t ask now, i would forget.)
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Mmm hmmm!!! My son’s first parade was our city’s Gay Pride Parade.
And along the same lines as Deb’s comment above, I’ve always thought that if god was going to put another gay kid on this earth, I’d be a really good candidate for raising that kid. We’ll see what happens…
Great post, Maria.
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Yet another reason why you rock. You are also A rock, and he’s lucky to have you. That really sucks about the family. It’s gotta be so hard for him and you, for that matter. There’s always the possibility they’ll come around, but at least he always has you watching his back.
Intolerance is never right.
I only throw people out of my life if they are assholes, not because of what they look like our whose load they swallow! (Haha – man, with you, I have a one track mind!)
Hugs and kisses for you and your brother.
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Oh yes, and nice – Pet Shop Boys!
The latest from Sybil Law…Gilda
Ok, so you know that head that I blew up earlier? Well, get ready for it to fall right off…You are an amazing sister. It takes balls to stand up for what or whom you believe in and I think we all know you’ve got a pair of brass ones. It’s your example of tolerance that encourages others to see how easy living harmoniously really can be. Thanks for the email. (I mean book ) I’m working on a novella in return.
The latest from Jillian…Take a number
I’m aware of generation gaps, and background and all that but this just makes me sad.
No, actually it makes me fucking sick.
2008 people.
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May 14, 2008 at 7:44 am
aw. i’m so sad for your brother. do you think maybe part of his being an asshole at home has to do with never feeling accepted? i durno. i live in the neighbourhood that huckdoll used to, and i’m fully intent on making sure my kids are raised here. it seems important to me.
The latest from Zoeyjane…Evacuation (of my mind)
I’m totally with you. Fuck the intolerants. Right now I work with one of the worst kind and on a daily basis I want to throw a shoe at him. Worst of all, he’s on a school board in a local town (thank god not MY town).
So I figure my job is to raise my kids to be the opposite and so add 4 more tolerant people in the universe. So far I think I’m doing ok because Ani and Eli come home totally nonplussed saying : J has two mommies and so does R. It’s nothing ununusual for them, it’s just how things are.
Glad your brother has you.
The latest from leendaluu…
Isn’t this life hard enough without pushing our children away for crap like this?
My husband and I have already said that the most important thing to us is that whoever our children end up with is kind and loving to them. The rest is whatever.
The latest from Betsey…Back To 19
my son is gay — openly and (sorta) happily so. i’ve written about it a lot, up to and including photos of him and his boyfriend.
he came out to me when he was 16 (a brave moment) but i knew before that.
bravo, maria. stand by your bro.
The latest from the planet of janet…To J-bear on your 18th birthday
your brother is so lucky to have you in his life. i’m sorry that he’s been a difficult brother/son/grandson, but it may have been his way of dealing with what i’m sure he knew was not the “norm” –
Ugh. How very, very sad.
Your brother is SO lucky to have you. And who knows? Maybe your family will learn something by your example. One can hope, right?
You’re doing the right thing.
The latest from maggie, dammit…are you still reading?
Aaarragh! I hate unfounded prejudice… ok, like there’s really any such thing as a founded prejudice…
It sadens me to no end that a family would be willing to cut someone out of it simply because of the laws of attraction. And bullshit it’s a life style choice. Sure, he *could* choose not to act upon his nature.. but then he’d be miserable. How could that possibly be any better.
I hhonestly don’t think I could stand being around y family either if they were to discriminate against my brother for being gay. Good for you to stand up to them. I hope you do tell them off someday. I hope he does too.
It’s funny the generation gap between us and our parents. When my mom first started working at the restaurant, she told her trainer “I hear there’s a gay girl that works here.” And her trainer says “Uh, yeah, that’s me.”
Ever since then she’s never had issues with gay/lesbian people. All it took was that one instance for her to realize the sterotype in her head wasn’t reality!
I know it’s different when it’s coming from inside the family. I hope things work out in your family. Maybe if he does live on his own he’ll settle down a little and not be so mean. Maybe. :)
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Wow. How terrible of your family to act in such a manner! I hope things can work out though. Maybe once he’s out on his own, he won’t be as intolerable as he is now, but shit…I probably would be too if my family treated me like a damned outcast! I can tell ya one thing though, and that is that he’s lucky to have you in his corner. Such a good person you are. ;o)
I have honestly never understood why homosexuality is such an issue. Your brother is lucky to have you.
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